Wednesday, April 08, 2009

When The Zombies Show Up With Boatloads of Cash...I'll Be Waiting

Having kids is not for the faint of heart. In fact, it can be downright surreal. Most of the time, it feels like your very own Truman Show. This was a movie, starring Jim Carrey, where the entire world watched his life unfold, because he was secretly being filmed as reality tv. Only, he didn't know. He was utterly clueless.

I am anything but clueless. I know my value. And I can't shake the feeling that someone, somewhere is getting a show. (and I want my royalties) I mean, this can't all be for my benefit right? There must be some point to it, otherwise, man, it's just really wasted entertainment.

I keep looking for the hidden camera, but I haven't found it yet. Someone has done a bang-up job at hiding it. Still, if the camera is in my bedroom, let me take the time to apologize now. When I change into my pajamas, pretty sure there won't be any titilation there. (sorry to disappoint, no glamour, just turquoise and white plaid flannel bottoms). I would like to say I float around in a flimsy peignoir set, but that ain't me. I don't even own a peignoir set, I read about it in a Jane Austen book, I think. If you are looking for smut, may I suggest corn? No, not porn, corn.

Still, back to the camera, and why I think it's there. Humor is present in my house. It's the way I survive, as you know. And I'm just certain some of the off-the-wall exchanges that occur in my house are making some Hollywood writer rich. I wish him death for stealing my material luck, because they sure aren't making me rich. Yet...

(After my son overhearing my activity in the bathroom, and commenting, loudly about it)

Me: Everybody makes bathroom noises, otherwise you're a robot.

JBug: Or you're a vampire.


JBean: I poop, I make bathroom noises.

Me: I don't think we really need to talk about pooping. We'll be eating lunch soon...not very good for my appetite.

[silence. then:] JBean: I'm not a robot. Tacos make me poop. Are we having tacos?

JBear: You could be a zombie. Zombies poop.

JBug: Zombies don't either! That's ridiculous. They're dead. Dead things don't go to the bathroom.

JBean: And quesadillas. Quesadillas make me poop. Are we having quesadillas?

JBug: This family is so weird.

JBean: Chicken makes me poop sometimes. Are we having chicken?

Me: [trying to find the nearest hard surface on which to bang my head...]

So who's gonna play me? She has to be sexy in a non-threatening MILF kinda way. It had better be someone cool, because? Really. Really? I am thinking Tina Fey.

T, who lives in a sitcom

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