My Mom Logic..or Lack Thereof

I entered this contest and I am supposed to write a post about my Mom Logic. Thing is, I can't say for sure that I actually have any! I took Logic in college, and barely passed with a C. Sure, I can argue. But when it comes to actual cogent argumentation? I was clueless. Turns out, God was just preparing me for living with my family! (either that or he was just beyond bored one day and decided to mess with me) What logic lives in a house with autism? What is logical about fear of a flushing toilet? Going into conniptions at the sight of a spider? Refusing to leave the house for fear a small dog may maul you? Arguing to wear the same dress, again, or not going out? This is just a smidgen of what I face as a mama in this house.

To be fair, it's not all me. You cannot reasonably discuss fears with someone who is afraid. And you can't convince someone (especially if that someone is 7 years old and has autism) to do what you want them to do, just because it is the logical choice. Little beings are not reasonable. and autism is even less so. Talk until you are blue in the face and what you will have left is...a blue face! (and maybe some interesting pictures for your blog...no, I don't actually have any pictures of me, blue in the face, but if I did, they would be interesting..)

I think I still have the potential to be a very logical person in there somewhere. Before I had kids, I had a brain, and as such, I had logic. But with each child, my brain, it shrunk. And now, not only can I not remember things my husband tells me we discussed (I think he may be trying to Gaslight me, send help!) I can't wage word war on my children and come out on top. I know the logic is still there: when I am away from my children for any length of time, my brain bounces back and I can have coherent conversations. The numbness that is my brain's self-defense mechanism against the crazy wears off.

At my worst moments, with my children I have been known to be very illogical. If the Father of All Logic (no, not Socrates, Mr. Spock) lived in this house, he would cock his eyebrow at me, with the sardonic look he was known for on Star Trek and tell whomever would listen how "highly illogical" I was. And then I would probably get pissed off and get all up in his grill, tell him to take it back because I would be so high strung with him watching my every move and all, and he would end up havin to use that Vulcan nerve pinch that he does, the one that makes everyones' eyes roll back in their head, knees buckle and pass out? And well, that would suck thank you very much!

If Spock was in my house, my son would be so thrilled, there would be no living with him. As I write this, there are no less than 10 Star Trek episodes on the DVR. And that is after I have pared them down!) Also, my oldest daughter would be thrilled to hang out with Spock, I think he would "get" her in a way that no one else does. She isn't that much into the emotions as much as the cold, hard facts of life. Some days I think I am the weird one, and everyone else in my family is the norm. And technically, by the definition of "norm" they would be normal, the majority of my house. So, I am the crazy one. Yeah, I can't believe it either.

Case in point: Exhibit A, Bring On Da Crazy! I don't think that screaming as though I am throwing a tantrum (which I kind of really wasn't, just wanted my daughter to get what she looked and sounded like..I swear. WHAT?) is a very logical approach to an out-of-control child. But there are times that nothing else works. I come up empty and throw a Hail Mary pass. Just like almost every other Hail Mary in sports history mine doesn't work either. I was hoping she would laugh, instead she just gave me the weirdest look, the one where I have no idea what is going through her head. Then she threw herself on the ground and amped up the volume. As if to say, "HA! I win this one, woman!" I backed off, because, Yeah. The ground is hard! I guess I just wasn't committed enough.

Need more "evidence"? I have blogged the interactions that I have with my children as well. How logical is discussing pooping robots, zombies and quesadillas in the same conversation? (certainly hope hands were washed before eating!) Or the non-sequitur that is my son's idea of social exchange. How do I maintain any semblance of sanity and logic in the face of the comments he makes? There is no rhyme or reason to my motherhood, some days.

I mean, logical thought when your son has just mooned an entire construction crew in line at McDonalds (who thought it was incredibly funny and egged it on)...I challenge you to find some! I know I certainly couldn't. I wanted to find a deserted island and a margarita! (Jimmy Buffett, where were you when I needed you? Probably on some boat somewhere..where it was 5 o' clock, dammit...) I wanted to fall through the floor. Instead, I calmly took our food to the table and we ate. Now that's not logical. I could have gotten the food to go so that prying eyes wouldn't bore holes in the back of my head, as they wondered what the HELL kinda mother was I, that I let my son show his butt crack to the world? (in my defense, he was 4 then, hadn't been diagnosed with high-functioning autism then, and hasn't done it since. He is 10 now).

My family defies logic. (except for my oldest daughter, JBug who is very logical, at least on her end). But that presents its own set of problems. She is also a teenager, and they have a brand of logic that someone over 30 just can't comprehend...mainly, you are wrong. If you question this, read the last sentence again! Period, that's the end of that. With her reasoning and lack of emotion sometimes, if I didn't know better, I would think she was a Vulcan.

And all of this is why having Spock over would just never work. JBug and he would be like Mendel's pea experments...alike, but normal people wouldn't be able to understand them! And of course, they would gang up against me, on some issue or other. So I am sure I would get all emotional and they would cooly tell me how illogical I was being, and my daughter would inform me the argument I am using for her to load the dishwasher is a fallacy and I would pull my hair out and threaten to jump off a bridge. (Just kidding on those last two). Just an aside, I DO NOT recommend allowing your teen to take formal Logic, unless you just like feeling stupid a lot... I mean, I can argue with the best of them, but how do you argue LOGIC? She thought she was so smart, calling me on my "invalid" arguments... then I wised up.

I just reminded her..I am Mama. I invented arguments before she was born, thank you very much. And, Mama wins in the face of, kicks butt on, trumps any logic that is in that book she is studying. Yup. When she gets to be a mama, then she can use the same ace in the hole. Until then, suffer baby!

So, going back to the beginning, my non-logic works for me. You can't learn my brand of logic from a classroom. Socrates didn't teach it, and if he did I am sure he would have gone mad. To outsiders, it would appear my methods may not work. I can live with that. I reserve the right to do whatever the hell I think works. Cause I'm the Mama. And Mama Logic is whatever I say it is. Today, I think it's about pooping. And robots.

Your turn... what do you think is your Mom (or Dad, or Gramma...) Logic? Tell us in comments...

T, who figures it's enough

This was a post I wrote for the Mother of All Bloggers Contest, and when if I make the Top 10, I am going to need you all to vote for me! So cross fingers, toes and let me know you're out there!

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