Sunday, November 30, 2008

Wit is Just Sarcasm in a Prettier Dress

I used to be a writer. Really, I did. I came here every day and wrote something, and edited it, and hit publish. I would see it there in print and I was a writer. But lately, besides being busy (because isn't that always a great excuse) I have sort of been avoiding the writing. I know, you want to know why. Here's the bottom line:

I think too much.

No really, I do. I don't do feelings. Sure, I feel a smidgen of frustration, or joy, but I go past the negative emotions, preferring to dissect them in my head. I write about them, process them and whittle them down to the size of an ant. Then I stomp on them. But they get killed before I ever feel them. That used to work, but now I am more aware that I have those feelings, and well, they have to go somewhere. Where they go is anxiety and irritability, and I am tired of feeling tired.

So I have been writing less, and making myself feel the emotions instead of analyzing them, by writing about them. I know it sounds crazy, but it really makes a difference for me. I don't say, "What do I think about that?" any longer. Now I ask myself, "How do I feel about that?"

Thinking and analyzing emotions aren't the same as actually feeling them. And they bottle up, coming out sideways. It makes me a terrible mother, because the only way to deal with the stress I am under every single day is to numb out. And it took me a long time to realize I do that...because I DO feel something. But mostly, I feel anger. And for the most part, that anger is unexpressed. And I have realized that the knot in my stomach, my shoulders and my neck is just repressed feelings: powerlessness, disappointment, fear. And, because those aren't powerful emotions, I let the anger coat it like armor. It feels safer.

Sarcasm is an ego defense. It is a way to deny what is going on around you. Keep it at arms' length. Makes it safe. And Wit is just Sarcasm with a college degree.

Let's get this straight. I am absolutely not quitting. I am still writing, still blogging, still around. I am just around...less. As I journey through this new territory, I just have less energy to create. But I fully expect that once I have come far enough, it can only improve my writing. So I will be posting, just not every day. Know I still love you all, and still read your blogs. I just don't have the time to comment as much as I did before.

In the mean time, I recommend the new Wally Lamb book, In the Hour I First Believed. It is very good, as good as I Know This Much is True.

T, who feels....yeah.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

And I Had Hoped It Was Well on Its Way to Becoming Extinct

A rare species was spotted today. The screaming loon poked it's head out of hiding. It was me.

JBear turned 10 today. And I turned into a monster. Ok, not really, but I was very stressed this afternoon. I am headed out of town for the weekend, so there are a million things that I have to get done first. Recipe for me to freak out. My anxiety is ratcheted up so far, I can't begin to even explain it. It is like a separate being right now, walking outside of my body. It has no patience, no empathy, and wants to kick ass and take names. Stay out of its way.

Beyond that, I had to get to the store and finish buying presents. I left the kids at home, came back about an hour later, and that's when the trouble began. JBean fell apart over every itty bitty little thing. I made lunch, JBean didn't want taquitos. They are icky! She didn't like the way the card she made for her brother came out , but didnt want to remake it. She wanted presents and was jealous. She wanted my attention, period. ( she didn't want to wear a certain dress to dinner, I told her it looked good, JBug told her it looked good, but apparently it did not match the necklace she was wearing...except it did. Lots of fit, frustration on both sides, her insisting it looked bad, me finally telling her to change if she wanted to (while trying to get out of the house) unbuttoning the dress only for her to decide she wanted to wear the damn thing after all. Calgon, take me away!

I realize that much of this just sounds like motherhood, but I swear it is more than that. It is all three of them, all day long, arguing, disagreeing, being rigid and black & white with no shades of grey. It is me, trying to remain sane in an insane environment, and who the hell knows, maybe I made them that way.

It's trying to walk JBug through her Logic homework for the class that I insisted she take and now I wish would just fall off the face of the earth, but that she likes, except when the young, wet-behind-the-ears, smarter-than-you tutor, who still has acne gives open-ended assignments, like this last one. Cue: fall apart and not know what to do. Cue: 40 minute teenaged tantrum over not knowing what to do. Cue: not wanting to admit she has no clue. And then I get to walk her through it, only she doesn't listen, cause what the hell do I know, I am only her mother, and could not possibly get what she is doing. When I point out how it works, she gets all rigid and tells me that couldn't possibly be right, because that is not the way her tutor explained it. I point out she has a textbook that is saying the same thing I am... cue: argument why both me and the textbook are WRONG.

Good God, just kill me now. I might go to Hell, but at least it would prevent the long, slow descent into Hell I live now.

Yeah, ok, that was melodramatic. I know tomorrow will feel differently. I can rationalize that. But today. Today this is how I feel. I want to QUIT. I want to just throw in the towel, tell the Powers That Be that this motherhood thing? It just flat ain't workin' out. That I would like another, easier job. Oh, you know, like rocket scientist. Or the guy that is bailing out the banks....he has an easier job. I am imminently qualified for said position. I am always bailing out my children. It counts.

So I want a change of scenery. I want a job. Shall I get my resume together? Let's see...something that allows me to use my brain, where I am not constantly interrupted, and is less dangerous than my current gig.

I was thinking the answer was Starbucks barrista, and then it hit me: a Bomb Diffuser.

Yep, that's me. Only now? I ain't gettin' paid for it.

T, who will write more about JBear's bday tomorrow

Monday, November 17, 2008

The Cat Says Meow

Ok, I suck. I know, I haven't updated. It's not because we aren't doing anything, it is because we are doing too much. I will try to be better. In the meantime, here's a cute kitty!

T, who is pretty sure the cat isn't actually making that noise...

Friday, November 14, 2008

And I Thought She Liked Pumpkin Pie

How to insult your brother like a 7 yr old...

First, fold your arms and get all superior-like. Then, stick out your lip and glare. Finally, choose one, to complete:

You smell like...

dirty apricots
moldy cheese
rotten eggs
dirty underwear

Move in for the kill:

You smell like...

rotten dirty apricots, cheese wrapped in pumpkin pie
dirty cheese apricot pie and cheese

(well, the spam, spam, spam, baked beans and spam doesn't 'ave much spam innit..")

I tried to correct her, but I was biting back the laughter so hard, it was difficult to sound sincere.

T, who can't make this stuff UP

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Are We Discussing the X-Files?

(discussing tv)

From the WTH files....

JBear: Is 30 Rock about aliens?
Me: ???? No, it's a show about a comedy show and the people who work there.
JBear: Then why do they hate Jell-O?

What? WHAT? No wonder my brainnnn hurts!

T, who finally figured out he was thinking of 3rd Rock From the Sun

Sunday, November 09, 2008


I know the election is over, but I still really loved this. Remember the Wassuuuuup! guys? This is Wassup, revisited 2008, and done quite well.



T, who thought the concept was just great

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

It's a New Day

With Apologies to Conservatives...

Just for today, we will revel in this victory. In this wall that has been blown down. We will revel in the dream that has been realized, the one that Martin Luther King Jr. talked about in his famous speech. We will revel in the joy of idealism, and the power that the people still have to believe in change, look past a man's skin to the person he is within. We will revel in the fact that negativity and evil words, ad hominem attacks and false witness did not prevail. We will soak it in.

And tomorrow? We will get to work. There is still work to be done. There is still poverty, oppression, hurt. And we start NOW.

Thank you Lord, that you hear and answer the cry of the oppressed. And always, always have.

How about you? What does this mean to you?

T, who is still crying

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Something I HAVE to Say

Why I am voting NO on Prop 8

1. To God, there is no hierarchy of sin. From a Christian point of view, whether you steal a paper clip, or cheat on your wife or are gay, it does not matter, sin is sin. Would we create a constitutional amendment to say that men couldn't sleep with someone else's wife? Or that you can't call in sick to work and then go to the beach? Why THIS issue? I think we need to spend more time tending to our OWN marriages.

2. Also, the Bible tells us that we DO NOT judge those outside the church with our measuring stick. They don't understand, because God has not opened their eyes. We are not God. It isn't OUR job to change hearts, it's God's job. And legislating morality is not how to change hearts. Loving people, for who they are, and accepting them, while still presenting the truth is how to do it.

I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat. 12What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13God will judge those outside. "Expel the wicked man from among you.- 1 Corinthians 5:8-13

3. 60 years ago, blacks and whites couldn't marry. It was illegal. Denying rights to a segment of the population simply because we disagree with it? Doesn't seem loving or Christian to me. It seems like fear-mongering. Separate is NOT equal, and almost 50 years ago that was upheld. The Bible was used to support that fallacious argument, as well. Time to stop the hate.

4. I have a brother in law who is now legally married to his spouse. They do love each other. As a Christian, it is my job to love them, while letting them know I wouldn't make the same choices. Where would Jesus be? I wonder if he would be in the middle of a gay pride parade helping those who need him the most? He met people where they were at. Jesus didn't silently judge people; he loved them. They won't believe they are loved until they stop feeling judged.

5. As Christians, our divorce rate is no different (and some say higher) than those outside the church! It is over 50%. Until we fix that in our own midst, who are we to tell others they can't be married? I can tell you my brother in law has been with his spouse longer than J. and I have been together. Until the church can practice what she preaches, maybe she needs to spend more time tending to the issues within the church and once those are straight, she can decide what to do outside the church. Protecting marriage is done by actually STAYING married, not semantics about what marriage IS.

6. In Biblical times, men could have MANY wives....why don't we protect that marriage? I see a lot of cherry-picking here, and it bothers me.

So tomorrow, I will be voting against Prop 8 and I hope you will join me.

T, who just wants to do the Right Thing

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Do you feel that?

It's a paradigm shift!

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

I really liked this...and it makes sense

More info at Conservatives For Change...

T, who has conservative friends, and they still like me

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