A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the wide-eyed child. “You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They're still arguing about it.
An environmentalist and a lawyer were in a car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, "Here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know."
Then St. Peter took the environmentalist to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St. Peter says, "Here you go" and goes to leave when the environmentalist says "Wait minute! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Environmentalists are a dime a dozen here, but we have never had a lawyer before."
Some leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. "Why didn't you order a Guinness", everyone asks? "Nah", Guinness replies. "If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I."
T, who thinks laughing is a good distraction...sometimes