Finally Olympic Events I Could WIN

Last night, I was watching the Olympics, featuring the 26 mile womens' marathon race. Yeah? so what? I am behind a bit...I have it DVR'd. I have other stuff to do. Blogs don't write themselves, you know! Plus, I have children to put to bed. Amazing how cranky they get if they are ignored. Do not ask me how I know this.

So I am sitting on the couch, watching these women run this race for the gold. One woman drops out, early on. I feel for her, but really, she was the smart one. I get that the winner gets untold riches, and can have her face featured on a box of Wheaties. Still not enough incentive for me. I have made laziness an art form. I mean, if you compare my fitness with that of Olympic athletes.

Now, I need to tell you, there are only two reasons that I would run 26 miles. The first is if a bear was after my ass. And then? I am pretty sure that I would just fall down, play dead and hope it was fooled. The second reason? If my ass was on FIRE. And somehow, I forgot to stop, drop and roll. Only, no one forgets that because it is drilled into us at what? Birth? So, pretty much the chances of me running a marathon are slim to none.

I hated running when I was a kid. You have to be some kind of sadistic monster to be a high school P.E. teacher, that's all I am going to say. Mine preyed on the weakest of us, making me and my fellow losers run extra laps for not being fast enough. It was bad that I couldn't run worth crap, so let's make it worse (and in turn, make me an object of teasing) by making me run more So, as I have gotten older, though I do some exercising yes, more than lifting the margarita glass to my lips, smart ass! I also do yoga... BUT. the chances of me running for the border, the bus or my life are pretty nil.

I am watching the race and early on, one woman pulls away from the pack. The question was always will she fall apart? Will she stand firm? Turns out, she is THIRTY-EIGHT years old. And she runs in front, all the way, and wins the fricking gold medal. The oldest woman Olympian to ever win gold. Woohoo! My couch-potato self could appreciate it, and was even in awe of it.

But? It is so far out of the realm of reality for me, I cannot even imagine. Truly. I am not 38. I would tell you my age and if you are a regular reader you already know anyhow but my mother always said that a lady doesn't give away her age. Ok, so I never claimed to be a lady but still. I will tell you..I can now shop at Forever 21 twice as much. if I wanted to, I mean.

And then, there's that American woman who is 41 and in contention for a gold medal in swimming. She may have already won it, as I said, I am behind. So, I started thinking, what events could I win? I mean, that don't require a ton of training and well, exertion! I came up with my own events.

• Coffee Crawl if you don't believe this is an event, you've never seen me in the morning!
• Eyerolling I am the CHAMPION. My 14 year old learned from the best, and is competing for the medal too. (dammit)
• Channel Surfing (this includes operation of the DVR fast forward 2x, 4x and goooo 300x!)

• Kitty Litter (or food) Pass Off whose turn was it to clean the box or feed the cats? Not mine, I just did it! Wide-eyed innocence a plus in this one!
• Shoe-Finding Relay I kick ass at this! I can find a matching shoe before you even know it is missing
• Dishwasher Speed-Loading I hate loading the dishwasher. I hate dirty dishes. Therefore, I can load the dishes faster than you can get a reluctant teenage girl to even think about loading it!
• Phone Screening if you call and are identified as the Wonderful Disembodied Voice in my phone that says, "Call from Private Caller" know that I won't answer. If I don't recognize the number, I don't pick the phone up. YAY, techology!
• Spider/Bug Jump Want to see a high jump? Just put a creepy crawly in my path. I will jump on to that chair so fast, your head will spin!
• The 'Don't Make Me Pull Over This Car' Traffic Dodge Because not just anyone can spin from the Car Pool lane to the nearest exit in 100 ft. to keep a child from killing another one

• Procrastination of Important Things You name it, I can put it off. I am very good at this. This is closely related to:
• Fear of Epic Failure In my twisted way, I find that the longer I can put something off, the less chance I have of failing
• Stupid List Creating in the Guise of a Creative Blog Post FTW!

There you have it...my Olympic events. They would take a bit of creativity, but not a ton of effort. And I am talented in many of them. In fact, I am pretty sure I could medal in them, and maybe even establish a World Record!

Now, what are your events? How would you place?

T, who is CHAMPION of the mundane arts

Technorati: Olympics, family life, humor