Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Finally Olympic Events I Could WIN

Last night, I was watching the Olympics, featuring the 26 mile womens' marathon race. Yeah? so what? I am behind a bit...I have it DVR'd. I have other stuff to do. Blogs don't write themselves, you know! Plus, I have children to put to bed. Amazing how cranky they get if they are ignored. Do not ask me how I know this.

So I am sitting on the couch, watching these women run this race for the gold. One woman drops out, early on. I feel for her, but really, she was the smart one. I get that the winner gets untold riches, and can have her face featured on a box of Wheaties. Still not enough incentive for me. I have made laziness an art form. I mean, if you compare my fitness with that of Olympic athletes.

Now, I need to tell you, there are only two reasons that I would run 26 miles. The first is if a bear was after my ass. And then? I am pretty sure that I would just fall down, play dead and hope it was fooled. The second reason? If my ass was on FIRE. And somehow, I forgot to stop, drop and roll. Only, no one forgets that because it is drilled into us at what? Birth? So, pretty much the chances of me running a marathon are slim to none.

I hated running when I was a kid. You have to be some kind of sadistic monster to be a high school P.E. teacher, that's all I am going to say. Mine preyed on the weakest of us, making me and my fellow losers run extra laps for not being fast enough. It was bad that I couldn't run worth crap, so let's make it worse (and in turn, make me an object of teasing) by making me run more So, as I have gotten older, though I do some exercising yes, more than lifting the margarita glass to my lips, smart ass! I also do yoga... BUT. the chances of me running for the border, the bus or my life are pretty nil.

I am watching the race and early on, one woman pulls away from the pack. The question was always will she fall apart? Will she stand firm? Turns out, she is THIRTY-EIGHT years old. And she runs in front, all the way, and wins the fricking gold medal. The oldest woman Olympian to ever win gold. Woohoo! My couch-potato self could appreciate it, and was even in awe of it.

But? It is so far out of the realm of reality for me, I cannot even imagine. Truly. I am not 38. I would tell you my age and if you are a regular reader you already know anyhow but my mother always said that a lady doesn't give away her age. Ok, so I never claimed to be a lady but still. I will tell you..I can now shop at Forever 21 twice as much. if I wanted to, I mean.

And then, there's that American woman who is 41 and in contention for a gold medal in swimming. She may have already won it, as I said, I am behind. So, I started thinking, what events could I win? I mean, that don't require a ton of training and well, exertion! I came up with my own events.

  • Coffee Crawl if you don't believe this is an event, you've never seen me in the morning!
  • Eyerolling I am the CHAMPION. My 14 year old learned from the best, and is competing for the medal too. (dammit)
  • Channel Surfing (this includes operation of the DVR fast forward 2x, 4x and goooo 300x!)
  • Kitty Litter (or food) Pass Off whose turn was it to clean the box or feed the cats? Not mine, I just did it! Wide-eyed innocence a plus in this one!
  • Shoe-Finding Relay I kick ass at this! I can find a matching shoe before you even know it is missing
  • Dishwasher Speed-Loading I hate loading the dishwasher. I hate dirty dishes. Therefore, I can load the dishes faster than you can get a reluctant teenage girl to even think about loading it!
  • Phone Screening if you call and are identified as the Wonderful Disembodied Voice in my phone that says, "Call from Private Caller" know that I won't answer. If I don't recognize the number, I don't pick the phone up. YAY, techology!
  • Spider/Bug Jump Want to see a high jump? Just put a creepy crawly in my path. I will jump on to that chair so fast, your head will spin!
  • The 'Don't Make Me Pull Over This Car' Traffic Dodge Because not just anyone can spin from the Car Pool lane to the nearest exit in 100 ft. to keep a child from killing another one
  • Procrastination of Important Things You name it, I can put it off. I am very good at this. This is closely related to:
  • Fear of Epic Failure In my twisted way, I find that the longer I can put something off, the less chance I have of failing
  • Stupid List Creating in the Guise of a Creative Blog Post FTW!

There you have it...my Olympic events. They would take a bit of creativity, but not a ton of effort. And I am talented in many of them. In fact, I am pretty sure I could medal in them, and maybe even establish a World Record!

Now, what are your events? How would you place?

T, who is CHAMPION of the mundane arts

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8 sent chocolate:

califmom said...

I could totally be on your Olympic team.

TLC said...

Oh and you know I would totally pick you first. I so hated standing there with the heavy-set kid who ate boogers while the captains tried to figure out which one of us was less of a liability. You know for damn sure if it was academically-related I was one of the first picked. Fast forward, 20+ years later.. Half those kids are still in that podunk town...revenge is best served cold. AND..not by you.


Anonymous said...

Blog Speed Reader - - in fact, in the time it has taken me to type this, I just missed my latest eight feeds!!

shoesonwrong said...

I would win gold in interpretive dance done while trying not to step on my cats in the morning.

Loralee Choate said...

Dude. I so want to think of an event but I am still stuck on the words "DVR".

I haven't had one for THREE MONTHS and I.am.dying.

for a different kind of girl said...

I had the same PE teacher. Seriously. I graduated 20 years ago. I haven't run a lick since then. At least not on purpose!

I could totally medal at that DVR thing, and they would be speaking of my skill at being able to stop the 4x fast forward at the PRECISE moment when the show starts up again (without looking!) for years and years to come! Honestly, if they can trampoline and BMX bike in the Olympics, I say you're on to something with these events!

Summer said...

I think I could take you on the procrastination event.

T. said...

topsy: impressive! I am seriously thinking of giving up my feed reader. It is guilting me and has become not fun. Instead, I am going to have a kick-ass blogroll.

shoesonwrong: I am pretty sure I have entered that event, too. I bet the slow-mo is funny! Now am cackling as I envision you trying to play. Would bore the cats, though

loralee: OUCH. Where is your DVR? Best invention since..ever. Except when you tell it to record all the Olympics and it erases every thing except The Tudors and Degrassi, dammit.

for a different kind of girl: Yeah, my PE teacher was named Ms. Marks. She was evil and a lesbian. Not that all lesbians are evil, or all evils are lesbians...I'll shut up now, cause I am stickin' my foot in my mouth... Your PE teacher?

summerm: I'll answer this comment about procrastination late-r--

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