Friday, August 29, 2008

The Best Thing You Can Make Me Is Reservations

My son is obsessed with Bear Grylls. (ok, well, what isn't he obsessed with, truthfully?) He has seen almost every episode. I cannot get into this particular show. Despite the fact he looks passable without a shirt, I just can't do it. It's a survival guide for couch potatoes. 99% of the people who watch it will never be faced with even one iota of the situations presented on the show. Do you know it?

From the website:

In each episode of Man vs. Wild Bear strands himself in popular wilderness destinations where tourists often find themselves lost or in danger. As he finds his way back to civilization, he demonstrates local survival techniques, including escaping quicksand in the Moab Desert, navigating dangerous jungle rivers in Costa Rica, crossing ravines in the Alps and surviving sharks off Hawaii.

And I suppose all of that is true. But what they don't tell you? You watch him eating really gross stuff and then peeing on himself. I am not kidding! Today in the car, my children were relaying the synopsis of the last episode. Apparently, he was "stranded" in the deep south, and to eat, he caught a water snake, ripped its head off (being careful to squeeze the putrid fish out of it so, he didn't get sick) and then ate the snake carass. Mmm, gimme summa dat!.

In another segment, he went fishing for catfish using himself as bait. Seriously! He couldn't find a stick?? He stuck his hand in the water, the fish gnawed on it, bit and he had lunch. He also had a gnarly mangled hand. It had teeth marks and everything. And well, since antibiotics don't grow in the wild, he used the natural solution. He peed on himself! It seems the ammonia is good for the wound. Yeah, I know! He seems to do that a lot. Maybe it's a compulsion.

I am telling you, my hand would fall off before I would pee on it. I just can't imagine. If someone saw you do that, wouldn't they think you were some kind of pervert? And we sit on the couch and watch this...why? Now, I know, urine is supposed to be sterile...but eeeew? It is one thing to pee in the shower Oh what? Like you haven't done it? Eh, it's ok, I don't expect you to admit it... but it is quite another to pee on yourself, on purpose! That?

It's just gross. Especially because he has an entire camera crew there with him, how hard would it be for someone to run to Walgreens for Neosporin? Or even just carry a piece of moldy bread? He could eat it when no one was looking...penicillin is good for you! I am pretty sure I would eat a piece of moldy bread before I would pee on myself. Then again, I wouldn't be caught dead doing either!

My idea of roughing it? I like room service. In a 4 Star Hotel. With a little chocolate on the pillow, please. In a pickle, I will use a porta potty. But it isn't something I want to do often. I went to Spirit West Coast last month. Let me tell you, it was rustic! We camped in tents, ate over a propane stove and peed in a large plastic box. Once a day, a truck came and emptied the box, but honestly? It still wasn't any place you wanted to spend time in. And we had three meals a day, not one was a snake. And though we had to fight bees who wanted to eat with us, none of them wanted to actually eat us. We stood in a line to take a shower, which was a big trailer with metal stalls. Still the water was hot, so I didn't complain much.

And I swear I didn't pee in there, either.

T, who likes indoor plumbing

How about you? What's the most bizarre thing you have done in the name of survival? What would you do? (and are you surprised I didn't ask you about your shower habits?)

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8 sent chocolate:

Jenn said...

This is hilarious! My dh let my 5 yo (yes, 5yo!) watch this show and now she is obsessed with it too! She even saw the episode where he drinks his own pee...b/c he's thirsty. Why the h&LL didn't he think to bring a water bottle? Thanks for the laugh!

Tulipsanticipation said...

My family's version of camping was staying out at a trailer at on a lake in a community my grandparents owned a couple spots at.

My siblings and I would sometimes set up a tent in our backyard growing up.

My hubby and I are going camping for the first time in a couple weeks with my college friends. Should be a good time. It's a pretty nice campground though, so no worries there about showers.

Lisa~The Stimming Spot said...

My family watches this. My nephew is so obsessed about survival. He makes makeshift tents and traps for those wild suburban animal running loose lol. Sometimes I just cant watch it because I would just lay down and die before I did any of that lol. I wonder if he has a family of his own and why isnt he just with them instead of teaching me survival skills lol.

for a different kind of girl said...

The most bizarre thing I've done in the name of survival is walk several blocks to my mom's house so I could call my husband and tell him to hurry home because I'd locked myself out of our house. It was ROUGH!

I went through a period where I watched this show. I learned how to follow a path guided by the flow of a stream. Good to know, I suppose. Then I learned what to do to get ready to drink your own urine. I tucked that tidbit away and I haven't watched since!

ilinap said...

Once I slept on an air mattress for a week before my furniture arrived from Chicago. All we had were a clock radio and laptop. Luckily the apartment had a pool. I don't rough it much more than that. I feel like the air mattress alone demonstrated the pioneer spirit.

Jayne said...

Just found your blog from Maddy.
I'm a homeschooling mum to an 11 yr old with autism/Asperger's.

LMAO We don't have this show in Australia...yet (thank goodness!) as Feral Beast would probably want to try eating the local wildlife raw and as for piddling on himself....we have a lemon tree for that ! lol ;)

Marshella said...

Jenn and I saw the same episode - he drank his pee! My husband watches, actually records the show to watch, when I'm not home or paying attention to the TV. And yes, he does have a wife and at least one little Bear at home.

My survival experience was when I was 8 months pregnant with my second daughter. My husband thought it would be a great idea to take our 1-yr old camping and go with friends. I slept in a sleeping bag on the ground, peed in a portapotty, and ate food that tasted like wood because they cooked on the camp stove. The best was when I needed to go pee in the middle of the night and had to pee in the grass outside our tent. What fun. Haven't been since and that was 9 years ago.

T. said...

Jenn: I will be sure to bring a water bottle everywhere I go!

tulip: that kind of camping sounds like fun...with friends. Will there be wine? There will be wine, right?

lisa: you know who to have with you if you get lost in the wilderness now. Can he actually do the things he sees on tv?

marshella: I am pretty sure, after that weekend, my children would have been fatherless. I would have killed him! I hope you use this as mileage? "NO I can't wash the dishes/vacuum the house/do your errand, when I was 8 mos pregnant, YOU took me camping and I should have left you! You are lucky I even speak to you!"

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