Friday, June 09, 2006

Let's Play...Let's Shrink Your Head!

Once again, it's time for everybody's favorite gameshow, "Let's Shrink Your Head!" Tonight's contestant, Anne Coulter, author of the wonderful literary tome, "Godless: the Church of Liberalism." "I'm "Nudgen Winke. And now here's the host of "Let's Shrink Your Head, Ree Diculous."

"Thanks Nudgen. You all know how the game is played. The premise is basically similar to This is Your Life." We 'll get to know our contestant as we play. Tonight's contestant, Anne Coulter,is the author of the wonderful literary tome, "Godless: the Church of Liberalism. And of course, that title isn't designed to incite, now is it?"

"Thanks Ree! Glad to be here, though I don't I need my head shrunk. That's a liberal lie. The liberals are the problem! I call it the way I see it."

"Well, ha ha ha, Anne, that remains to be seen. For our folks at home: we are going to ask a series of questions, statements that Ms. Coulter has made. Or perhaps not. As we go through the statements, here is where the studio audience comes in: if you think the statement is over the top, crazy, what have you, just vote. For each vote, points are scored on our in-studio Crazyometer. At the end of the game, a score over 100 earns you a label of mentally deranged. So are we ready? Say it with me:

host and audience "Let's Shrink Your Head!"

"Alright Ms. Coulter, the first statement attributed to you is:

"Liberals hate America, they hate "flag-wavers," they hate abortion opponents, they hate all religions except Islam (post 9/11). Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like liberals do. They don't have the energy. If they had that much energy, they'd have indoor plumbing by now."

"Did you say that?"

"Yes, I did but..."
"No but necessary... audience, time to vote."

"And the verdict on our Crazyometer is a 20. Hmmm, off to a slow start. I guess the audience feels that on the Conservative Scale, that one was mild. Alright, here we go, the next quote:"

“Liberal soccer moms are precisely as likely to receive anthrax in the mail as to develop a capacity for linear thinking.”

"oooh that's harsh, Ann. Now audience, stop booing. TIme to vote. What say you? Ok...audience gives you a 40 on that one, Ann. That gives you a score of 60 with 2 questions left."

Here we go the third quote:

““I love to engage in repartee with people who are stupider than I am.””

"Oh, I guess that limits you to Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, right? No, perhaps not. Haha! I would bet you are talking to yourself in the mirror then, huh? No no, I joke. Ok audience, what say you? Vote now. And the audience gives you "15!" WOW that scored low! Perhaps the audience doesn't believe there are many more stupider than you? I see you sitting there with your mouth open, now, Ann, you'll get your turn! But in the interest of time, we need to go on to the 4th and final quote attibuted to you."

" These self-obsessed women seem genuinely unaware that 9-11 was an attack on our nation and acted like as if the terrorist attack only happened to them. They believe the entire country was required to marinate in their exquisite personal agony. Apparently, denouncing Bush was part of the closure process. "These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by griefparrazies. I have never seen people enjoying their husband’s death so much."

"ooh, Ann, it's getting ugly...they're turning on you. Did you really say this? What possessed you to say something that you knew would alienate so many people? Wait, before you answer, let's let the audience vote. And the votes are in...you scored a whopping 90 on that one! Wow! That definitely puts you over the 100 points necessary for being certifiable. Grand Total 150! And now, you know the rules. Send in the judge!"

'

"Tell her what she's won, Nudgen!"

" That's right, Ann, you'd better wear your jacket, because where you're going, it is bound to get cold! Here are your Commitment Papers! No longer will you be allowed to roam free with your poison pen and evil intent to create controversy and get rich. You'll be spending the rest of your life against your will in the Washington D.C. Hospital for the Mentally Deranged! Oh you can still write your books, but no one will take you seriously, you have been declared mentally deficient. NO one will buy your books and you will die old and alone, you spiteful woman!"

"Well, folks,that's all the time we have for today, but remember if someone seems crazy, don't you get crazy, get them on "Let's Shrink Your Head! See you next time!"

T, who is literally nauseous and cannot imagine how that woman, so full of hate, looks at herself in the mirror

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3 sent chocolate:

Barbara said...

Did you write this???? It's incredibly creative! I love it! I'm impressed.

sweatpantsmom said...

I think a hospital is much too comfy for Ann Coulter. She should be wrapped in steaks and thrown into a shark tank.

TLC said...

barbara: I did indeed write this...it helped me deal with my frustration. Much healthier than listening to the radio and screaming at the dj as she reports what she did! (and I did that, too)

sweatpantsmom: I agree, she deserves something less comfy, but I didn't want to alienate anyone by calling her a...well, you know what she is.

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