It's the Most WONDERFUL Time....Of the Year

My favorite day of the year? December 26th

Why? Because it's....over! It is wonderful to get up in the morning and know I have nowhere to be, nothing to do. And the fact that the kids are happy, well that's just a bonus.

I hosted J's family, about 15 people in all, for dinner (potluck, I am not stupid!) and present opening. Unfortunately, I didn't take a single picture! It was a lot of fun. And a lot of work. I earned my rest, between food, cleaning, wrapping and getting ready. J was a huge help, thank goodness.

So I woke up and wii played.

Can you tell from the picture what the favorite present was this year? We are having a great time. I won't be singing in public anytime soon, though...

T, who is glad to be DONE

Watch This Before It Disappears! (worth it, really)

No telling when this will be pulled on YouTube, so watch now. A couple of years ago, I found this amazing acapella music group called Straight No Chaser. I spent a couple of hours watching their stuff and just being in awe. They have a hilarious rendition of 12 Days of Christmas, but the original, where they performed on stage, after being up for a few YEARS, must have been pulled recently. The musicians themselves put it up, but they cut an album in October so there may be contractual issues. In any case, I found another performance of it:

I was BEYOND thrilled to find out they cut a Christmas album in October, and I bought it on iTunes. LOVE it. Really. If you like good Christmas music, you have to buy this, it is a favorite of us all now.

>What Christmas music do you especially like?

T, who really, really recommends this CD

Just Another Day in the Life Of She Who Seems Sane By Comparision

Sometimes, my life is so surreal I cannot believe I live it. But, it's good.

It started today with a Cuddle when Littles (JBean) climbed into my bed this morning, making mewling noises like a baby kitty. not so much what you want to hear at 9 a.m. but we get our cuddles where we can

Then, after I was up, my 14 yr old refused to get out of bed, so I put on a favorite CD, turned it on and threw a Dance Party in her room. I suggest TobyMac for this, by the way I danced on her bed, over her, around her, and she still didn't get up. She did do a bang-up job of pretending to ignore me, though. I recommend her if you need lessons. So I called in reinforcements.

My geeky husband, J, showed up and danced around in his Darth Vader pajama bottoms. This is a sight to see, but that's for another day. Then JBean and JBear showed up and we just danced around the room, being silly and embarrassing Ms. I Don't Know You Guys. She still didn't get up, so a bit later, J went in and tickled her and carried her out like a baby. She is finally up. That only took 40 minutes.

Then, J and JBear were sparring with...a towel and a stuffed animal. I know, right? J had a rolled up bath towel and JBear had a stuffed rat, using the tail side pointed outwards. J maintained he won, with the large towel. I countered,

"No, Rat Butt always beats Towel."

Just another morning in the House of Awetism.

How about you, what did you do today?

T, who looks sane in comparison

Dammit, J, I'm a Writer, Not a Mathematician!

My daughter taught herself to knit. She just decided one day that she wanted to know how, looked up some videos online, practiced. Once she hit a snag (heh) she found someone who could explain it to her.

She has a rather scientific and literal mind. So I am pretty sure she will be thrilled with this:

A mobius strip??

math-based knitting. Are you still here? wait, it really is interesting...

Or there is Guerilla knitting.

Ants not included...

Apparently, knitting isn't just for Grandma anymore!

T, who knitted for about 5 minutes last year, then forgot how

So THAT'S the Problem!

Everything's Amazing and Nobody's happy (slight language)

Awesome.

T, who is too busy and annoyed with it all

General Anxiety, Reporting for Duty, Sir!

I envy those with phobias. Oh, to be afraid of elevators. Or to get weak-kneed about crowds. Would it be easier if heights made me sweat? But I cannot point to just one thing I am afraid of. It is more of an infected anxiety, and it permeates my life. It would be so much easier if I could point to just one or two causes of the unrest. I could confront them (because, truly, would you expect anything less?) make peace with them and move on. I could be done with anxiety for the rest of my life. And wouldn't that be something?

Don't get me wrong, I am not a quivering ball of goo. I am very, very good at compartmentalizing. I can lock the anxiety away for a rainy day. With two children with autism (perhaps 3) I just don't have time to be anxious! Someone always needs something, so my time is limited to "what can I do for you?" If I stop functioning, my house completely falls apart, and we can't have that. I am the tipping point here and I hold it all together (in more ways than one). If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy? Written for my family. I am the emotional barometer in my house. And it is hard, hard work.

I am hoping for a promotion as I learn to serve. I am taking more time to deal with those feelings in order to figure them out and get past the worries.

Essentially, I have been drafted and don't really have a choice. My life is Boot Camp, and my commanding officer is General Anxiety. I know I will make it through, but I am pretty sure there will be cussing along the way.

T, who is learning

Wit is Just Sarcasm in a Prettier Dress

I used to be a writer. Really, I did. I came here every day and wrote something, and edited it, and hit publish. I would see it there in print and I was a writer. But lately, besides being busy (because isn't that always a great excuse) I have sort of been avoiding the writing. I know, you want to know why. Here's the bottom line:

I think too much.

No really, I do. I don't do feelings. Sure, I feel a smidgen of frustration, or joy, but I go past the negative emotions, preferring to dissect them in my head. I write about them, process them and whittle them down to the size of an ant. Then I stomp on them. But they get killed before I ever feel them. That used to work, but now I am more aware that I have those feelings, and well, they have to go somewhere. Where they go is anxiety and irritability, and I am tired of feeling tired.

So I have been writing less, and making myself feel the emotions instead of analyzing them, by writing about them. I know it sounds crazy, but it really makes a difference for me. I don't say, "What do I think about that?" any longer. Now I ask myself, "How do I feel about that?"

Thinking and analyzing emotions aren't the same as actually feeling them. And they bottle up, coming out sideways. It makes me a terrible mother, because the only way to deal with the stress I am under every single day is to numb out. And it took me a long time to realize I do that...because I DO feel something. But mostly, I feel anger. And for the most part, that anger is unexpressed. And I have realized that the knot in my stomach, my shoulders and my neck is just repressed feelings: powerlessness, disappointment, fear. And, because those aren't powerful emotions, I let the anger coat it like armor. It feels safer.

Sarcasm is an ego defense. It is a way to deny what is going on around you. Keep it at arms' length. Makes it safe. And Wit is just Sarcasm with a college degree.

Let's get this straight. I am absolutely not quitting. I am still writing, still blogging, still around. I am just around...less. As I journey through this new territory, I just have less energy to create. But I fully expect that once I have come far enough, it can only improve my writing. So I will be posting, just not every day. Know I still love you all, and still read your blogs. I just don't have the time to comment as much as I did before.

In the mean time, I recommend the new Wally Lamb book, In the Hour I First Believed. It is very good, as good as I Know This Much is True.

T, who feels....yeah.

And I Had Hoped It Was Well on Its Way to Becoming Extinct

A rare species was spotted today. The screaming loon poked it's head out of hiding. It was me.

JBear turned 10 today. And I turned into a monster. Ok, not really, but I was very stressed this afternoon. I am headed out of town for the weekend, so there are a million things that I have to get done first. Recipe for me to freak out. My anxiety is ratcheted up so far, I can't begin to even explain it. It is like a separate being right now, walking outside of my body. It has no patience, no empathy, and wants to kick ass and take names. Stay out of its way.

Beyond that, I had to get to the store and finish buying presents. I left the kids at home, came back about an hour later, and that's when the trouble began. JBean fell apart over every itty bitty little thing. I made lunch, JBean didn't want taquitos. They are icky! She didn't like the way the card she made for her brother came out , but didnt want to remake it. She wanted presents and was jealous. She wanted my attention, period. ( she didn't want to wear a certain dress to dinner, I told her it looked good, JBug told her it looked good, but apparently it did not match the necklace she was wearing...except it did. Lots of fit, frustration on both sides, her insisting it looked bad, me finally telling her to change if she wanted to (while trying to get out of the house) unbuttoning the dress only for her to decide she wanted to wear the damn thing after all. Calgon, take me away!

I realize that much of this just sounds like motherhood, but I swear it is more than that. It is all three of them, all day long, arguing, disagreeing, being rigid and black & white with no shades of grey. It is me, trying to remain sane in an insane environment, and who the hell knows, maybe I made them that way.

It's trying to walk JBug through her Logic homework for the class that I insisted she take and now I wish would just fall off the face of the earth, but that she likes, except when the young, wet-behind-the-ears, smarter-than-you tutor, who still has acne gives open-ended assignments, like this last one. Cue: fall apart and not know what to do. Cue: 40 minute teenaged tantrum over not knowing what to do. Cue: not wanting to admit she has no clue. And then I get to walk her through it, only she doesn't listen, cause what the hell do I know, I am only her mother, and could not possibly get what she is doing. When I point out how it works, she gets all rigid and tells me that couldn't possibly be right, because that is not the way her tutor explained it. I point out she has a textbook that is saying the same thing I am... cue: argument why both me and the textbook are WRONG.

Good God, just kill me now. I might go to Hell, but at least it would prevent the long, slow descent into Hell I live now.

Yeah, ok, that was melodramatic. I know tomorrow will feel differently. I can rationalize that. But today. Today this is how I feel. I want to QUIT. I want to just throw in the towel, tell the Powers That Be that this motherhood thing? It just flat ain't workin' out. That I would like another, easier job. Oh, you know, like rocket scientist. Or the guy that is bailing out the banks....he has an easier job. I am imminently qualified for said position. I am always bailing out my children. It counts.

So I want a change of scenery. I want a job. Shall I get my resume together? Let's see...something that allows me to use my brain, where I am not constantly interrupted, and is less dangerous than my current gig.

I was thinking the answer was Starbucks barrista, and then it hit me: a Bomb Diffuser.

Yep, that's me. Only now? I ain't gettin' paid for it.

T, who will write more about JBear's bday tomorrow

The Cat Says Meow

Ok, I suck. I know, I haven't updated. It's not because we aren't doing anything, it is because we are doing too much. I will try to be better. In the meantime, here's a cute kitty!

T, who is pretty sure the cat isn't actually making that noise...

And I Thought She Liked Pumpkin Pie

How to insult your brother like a 7 yr old...

First, fold your arms and get all superior-like. Then, stick out your lip and glare. Finally, choose one, to complete:

You smell like...

dirty apricots
moldy cheese
rotten eggs
dirty underwear

Move in for the kill:

You smell like...

rotten dirty apricots, cheese wrapped in pumpkin pie
dirty cheese apricot pie and cheese

(well, the spam, spam, spam, baked beans and spam doesn't 'ave much spam innit..")

I tried to correct her, but I was biting back the laughter so hard, it was difficult to sound sincere.

T, who can't make this stuff UP

Are We Discussing the X-Files?

(discussing tv)

From the WTH files....

JBear: Is 30 Rock about aliens?

Me: ???? No, it's a show about a comedy show and the people who work there.

JBear: Then why do they hate Jell-O?

What? WHAT? No wonder my brainnnn hurts!

T, who finally figured out he was thinking of 3rd Rock From the Sun

Wasssssuuuuuuuup??

I know the election is over, but I still really loved this. Remember the Wassuuuuup! guys? This is Wassup, revisited 2008, and done quite well.

and...

YES WE DID!

T, who thought the concept was just great

It's a New Day

With Apologies to Conservatives...

Just for today, we will revel in this victory. In this wall that has been blown down. We will revel in the dream that has been realized, the one that Martin Luther King Jr. talked about in his famous speech. We will revel in the joy of idealism, and the power that the people still have to believe in change, look past a man's skin to the person he is within. We will revel in the fact that negativity and evil words, ad hominem attacks and false witness did not prevail. We will soak it in.

And tomorrow? We will get to work. There is still work to be done. There is still poverty, oppression, hurt. And we start NOW.

Thank you Lord, that you hear and answer the cry of the oppressed. And always, always have.

How about you? What does this mean to you?

T, who is still crying

Something I HAVE to Say

Why I am voting NO on Prop 8

1. To God, there is no hierarchy of sin. From a Christian point of view, whether you steal a paper clip, or cheat on your wife or are gay, it does not matter, sin is sin. Would we create a constitutional amendment to say that men couldn't sleep with someone else's wife? Or that you can't call in sick to work and then go to the beach? Why THIS issue? I think we need to spend more time tending to our OWN marriages.

2. Also, the Bible tells us that we DO NOT judge those outside the church with our measuring stick. They don't understand, because God has not opened their eyes. We are not God. It isn't OUR job to change hearts, it's God's job. And legislating morality is not how to change hearts. Loving people, for who they are, and accepting them, while still presenting the truth is how to do it.

I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat. 12What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13God will judge those outside. "Expel the wicked man from among you.- 1 Corinthians 5:8-13

3. 60 years ago, blacks and whites couldn't marry. It was illegal. Denying rights to a segment of the population simply because we disagree with it? Doesn't seem loving or Christian to me. It seems like fear-mongering. Separate is NOT equal, and almost 50 years ago that was upheld. The Bible was used to support that fallacious argument, as well. Time to stop the hate.

4. I have a brother in law who is now legally married to his spouse. They do love each other. As a Christian, it is my job to love them, while letting them know I wouldn't make the same choices. Where would Jesus be? I wonder if he would be in the middle of a gay pride parade helping those who need him the most? He met people where they were at. Jesus didn't silently judge people; he loved them. They won't believe they are loved until they stop feeling judged.

5. As Christians, our divorce rate is no different (and some say higher) than those outside the church! It is over 50%. Until we fix that in our own midst, who are we to tell others they can't be married? I can tell you my brother in law has been with his spouse longer than J. and I have been together. Until the church can practice what she preaches, maybe she needs to spend more time tending to the issues within the church and once those are straight, she can decide what to do outside the church. Protecting marriage is done by actually STAYING married, not semantics about what marriage IS.

6. In Biblical times, men could have MANY wives....why don't we protect that marriage? I see a lot of cherry-picking here, and it bothers me.

So tomorrow, I will be voting against Prop 8 and I hope you will join me.

T, who just wants to do the Right Thing

Do you feel that?

It's a paradigm shift!

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

I really liked this...and it makes sense

More info at Conservatives For Change...

T, who has conservative friends, and they still like me

Trick or Treat!

Happy Halloweeen!!

Frodo, Arwen and the Butterfly Fairy Princess say BOO!

J really likes to carve pumpkins, and he is good at it

Headless Horseman

Princess Jackie O' Lantern, drawn by JBean, carved by J.

Silly Face

Say

and Vote for

Nov 4th

Designs from Yes, We Carve blog...a brilliant idea.

What's your favorite candy?

T, who likes Kit Kats and Mounds bars

Technorati: Halloween, Obama, vote

Pulling My Hair Out

Quick, take this quiz:

My littlest one has been such a pill these last few days that I am:
A. Selling her to the gypsies, just as soon as they show up at my door
B. Locking her in a closet with a rabid weasel
C. Leaving the country and flying to Fiji....alone
D. Keeping a food journal to figure out what the sam hill I am feeding her that's making her crazy

And the answer is: D but I reserve the right to also consider C. Does anyone have any frequent flyer miles they want to donate to my sanity? How about hard liquor? I won't drink it, I will just stare at it and think about drinking it...promise.

I don't think I am feeding her anything strange, but I want to make sure it isn't a blood sugar dip, or a food dye or high-fructose corn syrup or Obnoxious Juice What? You haven't heard of O.J.? I am pretty sure most teenagers drink it, and since I have one in the house, maybe my 7 year old also managed to find it. Still don't know where it comes from, though.

I figure by keeping a list of everything she eats and drinks, I might be able to figure out if there is a pattern to her fits,screams and general unpleasantness. Is it food? Time of day? Fear? Anxiety? I am rational. So by studying it, I am hoping to hit upon a solution. Or head to Fiji. Stay tuned.

So..what do you suggest I do with this child?

T, who just wants a normal life, but geez, I will settle for a margarita

Technorati: Aspergers, diet, behavior

Tic Tac Dooooh!

T, who says it's his to lose

I Have It...I Admit It

I haven't been writing much, we are so close to the election that I have been thinking of that, instead. I am watching CNN, MSNBC, Daily Show and trying to keep up with the news. It's crazy. We are poised on the cusp of real change, and I so hope it happens.

I remember in 2000, when Al Gore won the popular vote...and lost the Presidency. It broke my heart. I am one of those conspiracy theorists who believes the election was stolen that day. Then, in 2004, when Kerry lost, the same thing happened. And I was done with politics. Around 2005, I stopped watching the news regularly. The knot that I sat in my gut afterwards was just too painful. I wasn't sleeping at night, I was having panic attacks, it was just too much. I would hear the evil (and make no mistake, what was done to this country has been evil) done by the Bush Regime and I would just cry. So I had to opt out, for my own peace of mind.

And then this upstart came in. He was young, comparatively. He had young daughters, which translated to me, means that he has a horse in this race. He was an idealist. He had ideas that made sense. He was personable, organized and trustworthy. And I fell. Now, I am participating again. I feel the stirrings and I am seriously feeling like something might be Right again. It has been a long, dark 8 years. And we are coming out of the tunnel. Now we just have to be sure that the sunlight doesn't blind us. We must hold our elected officials to what we elected them to do. And we have to stay informed, not just believe what they say.

Remember, they work for us. And we need to care, to vote and to demand change.

T, who says Change begins with US

It Wasn't Theirs To Steal, Anyway

Finally, a song I can get behind! I love that it's a country song. How deliciously ironic. remember the debacle with the Dixie Chicks and how country music fans tried to censor them? The song is called I'm Takin' My Country Back.

NINE DAYS.

9.DAYS

Then the siege will be over. We will have a new President. And while I DO NOT want McCain, if by some unfathomable act he is elected, he cannot be worse than Bush.

Change is comin'. There's a fresh wind on the horizon. Do you feel the stirrings?

>How about you? Are you starting to breathe again, too?

T, who actually might be able to breathe again