It wasn't about the dog park, it's about autism

One of the advantages of having a blog (not to include the adoration, popularity and buckets of money being thrown my way) is that I have a forum where I get the last word. Sometimes, that's helpful. So I can tell you about my run in with the crazy woman at the dog park last night and that might be healing.

Last night was just like any other summer night. The days are so hot that we wait to take the dog to the park until evening. That works well, most of the time. Poppy was her usual boisterous self, bouncing from one dog to the next, having a grand old time. There is a smallish Austrailian Sheperd that is pretty obnoxious. It flits back and forth, trying to herd the dogs, barking in their faces. I have seen it there for the last week or so. It likes to bark at Poppy. She pretty much takes it stride, the way she takes it all in stride. She is big, bouncy, but harmless. She is big, and black, and that seems to put people on edge who aren't familiar with Newfoundlands. Read: just about most people. There is even a name for it among newfy owners: Big Black Dog Syndrome.

Poppy figures that since this dog is yapping in her face, she must want to play, so they were chasing and bouncing, so far nothing out of the ordinary. The little dog was on its back and Poppy was standing over it, the way dogs do. This crazy nut job went over and started kicking my dog! You need to understand, I am rarely more than six feet away at any given time, and usually even closer than that. I am the original "helicopter parent" when it comes to my dog. At any point, if she starts getting too rambunctious, or if the other dog looks like he isn't having fun, I pull her out of the fray, and we take a break. I am a responsible owner. I read books, I educate myself. I have learned dog body language and figured out what to watch for. My dog is not aggressive. And even in play, I would never allow my dog to go too far with another dog. So when this, for want of a better word, bitch, started kicking my dog I lost it.

I would never hit anyone. But I started yelling at her. She tried to say my dog was "biting" hers. Her dog was driving the play! Some other guy (I cannot call him a man) who was so good at watching his dog that I never even knew which dog was his (that's sarcasm) said it was my fault and I needed to get my dog under control. Know this: Poppy is at the dog park five or six times a week. She does not have a control problem. I can pull her out when the play gets to be too much. She takes a time out. After she was attacked by another dog (and I was bitten) I worked really hard on this. His accusations were completely unfounded.

One of the most frustrating things that I find about myself is that if I am in the right and I feel persecuted, I cannot have an argument when it gets heated. I lose all eloquence and cannot form a coherent thought. Basically, I sound like an idiot. This time, not only did that happen, I was going to cry. Time to get the hell out of there. My brain short-circuited. As I was leaving, I uttered words to make a sailor blush. I am not proud of my behavior, and I am furious at myself for acting that way. Fight or Flight kicked in and I lost it.

Once I got to the car, I burst into tears, and promptly had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe and I felt like my heart was in shards. I continued to cry after we got home, locked myself in my room, and just couldn't function. What the hell is the matter with me? I just don't know. But after sleeping on it, I think I know a bit more of what set me off.

I have a stressful life. It isn't anyone's fault; it's just the way the cards were dealt. Most of the time, it's ok. Last night, it just hit the fan. I was devastated that someone was rejecting my dog. While you may want to laugh at that, consider this: it was just one more special-needs "kid" in my family who was snubbed. In other words, it was a trigger for me.

For the last seventeen or so years, I have watched one or another of my children struggle to make friends, be accepted, be loved. I have stood by while being silently judged, "WHY can't you stop that child from tantruming/having trouble with social stimuli/being rigid?" I have endured the cold shoulder from parents who have decided that my child isn't worthy of their child's time because she is "different." I have watched my son embarrass himself in front of others and be completely oblivious of their reaction. I have seen my daughter be left out of social events because she doesn't like the same things as her peers, and watched her cry over her lack of acceptance. So, no, I will not apologize for losing it at the dog park when people who had no idea about actual dogs judged my dog as beneath theirs. I will not.

I realize how ridiculous this sounds. She's a dog. I get it. For me, it was about more than the dog. I had a reason to be angry over my dog's treatment, but the anger I really felt was misplaced. It was grief.

Over the years, I have had to come to terms with the fact that I did not give birth to cheerleaders. There is no Big Man On Campus in my home. Indeed, there is no campus. None of my children will get the lead in the school play, though they might be in the chorus. I did not give birth to "popular" kids. The phone doesn't ring for play dates much. I am actually ok with this. What I am not ok with is how others see them. They are smart, generally well-mannered (if you don't count the twelve year old and his twelve-year old boy behavior) and loving children. They deserve better. They deserve friends who like them for who they are. And they deserve grown ups, who should know better, that give them a chance and don't automatically write them off as playmate for their kids because they are "different." I am fucking tired of this. That's right, I just used "fucking" on my blog, for the first time, ever. I am done.

So. You are on notice. If you snub my child, I will call you on it. I will try to do it kindly, but I will do it. In an era when we are trying to pay attention to others' rights and difficulties, I will call you on bad behavior, leaving out my children simply because they have autism. I am done being nice. Now I am fighting back.

How To Transition a Child To a Gluten-Free Casein-Free Diet For Autism Treatment

There is a theory in autism treatment that along with a sensory diet, kids with autism may benefit from eliminating gluten and dairy proteins (called casein and whey) from their diets. Gluten is found in grains and nearly all mass-marketed breads, cereals and baked goods. Casein is found in all milk products. Many kids with autism do not process dairy or gluten correctly, and over time, it can hurt their gut. Some refer to this as "silent celiac's disease." The scientific veracity of the diet won't be debated here. My son has been on the diet for over five years and we have seen improvement. Many families have seen success with the diet, but as with all things, your mileage may vary. If you think it might work for you or your child, here are some helpful hints to make the transition to a GFCF diet as painless as possible for all concerned.

* Don't throw away all the food in the house and buy GFCF…yet. Use what you have, but when you buy again, buy GFCF. You can check sites like TACA for acceptable foods and Hidden Ingredients for unacceptable ingredients. Familiarize yourself with the names of ingredients. Print out the list and keep it with you when you shop. Gluten and casein are in many foods you would never expect. Be a label reader!

* Keep a list of what you have tried so if you don't like it, you don't accidentally buy it again. There are some great products out there and some not so great. (you can email me if you would like...I would be happy to provide you with a list of foods from experience).

* Don't change brands of foods that are already "approved" foods. For instance, if the child likes waffles, buy GFCF, but don't change the brand of bacon you serve. Or keep the eggs the same style. Consistency is key. If you change bread, try toasting it and using the same peanut butter, if it is acceptable. Don't change the jelly.

* Find substitutes for tried and true foods. Finding gluten free foods is a lot easier than it used to be. Almost everything can be subbed out. The exception to this, sadly, is cheese. Many of the cheeses that say they are dairy free still have casein. Read your labels!

* When possible, involve the child in food choices. Teach him to read the labels and to understand what happens when he eats foods that his body doesn't tolerate well. Let him pick out some foods he would like to try, and involve him in their preparation. Kids are more willing to eat food they have helped prepare.

* Don't give in. Once you make a decision to try the diet, stick with it. It can take over six months for all traces of casein and gluten to leave the body. Give it a proper trial. The child might protest a bit, but keep at it.

* Make sure to provide a vitamin supplement so that the child is getting proper nutrition. Of course, the best vitamins are from the source food, but if the child won't eat it, vitamins are better than nothing. This is a good suggestion for all kids.

* Consider probiotics, which add good bacteria to the intestinal flora to balance the digestive system. But watch out that they don't contain hidden dairy!

* Limit processed sugars, and cut out artificial colors, flavors, HFCS (high fructose corn syrup) and preservatives from the child's diet when at all possible. These ingredients can cause problems for sensitive kids.

Some local sources of gluten free products follow, but be sure to check the ingredients list because gluten free is not necessarily casein free as well.

Whole Foods- Tustin (there is even a Special Diets page where you can download product lists)

Sprouts - list of locations in Orange County with map

Henry's - list of locations in Orange County with map

Trader Joe's - list of locations with map

Mother's Markets - list of locations in Orange County with map

Don't be too hard on yourself if it isn't perfect... you are learning and so is the child. The goal here is to transition to the diet, not be a Nutritional Hardnose. If you are stressed, the child will figure it out, and he will become stressed as well. With a bit of practice, you will be an excellent label reader and have a collection of foods that work for your child and maybe for you, as well.

Symptoms of Dyslexia

I am bringing over my articles from Examiner, in the hopes that they may help or give you information you need or were not aware of. I start with dyslexia, because my son has it, and now we think my youngest may, as well. So it is a subject I know a bit about.

See if this sounds like your child:

He is very bright, but doesn't meet his potential. It takes him longer to do his homework then you think it should. His penmanship is messy, floating either above or below the line. His spelling is almost indecipherable, vowels are almost nonexistent. He is behind in reading and/or math, has had extra help and his academics just aren't improving.

If this sounds like your child, you might want to check out dyslexia.

Dyslexia is not recognized by many school districts, and chances are you will be told it is a "medical diagnosis" that the school isn't prepared to make. They may instead guide you to remediation for the individual areas in which your child is behind. This may work. But understand if dyslexia is the problem, it is not just merely an academic issue. It is a question of how your child's brain works to process information. Language is processed differently; Broca's area, responsible for speech production, and Wernike's area, responsible for understanding spoken language, have neurons connected differently. the Right Hemisphere of the brain is 10% larger. So there are actual physical differences with dyslexia. This can cause sequences, such as a reciting the alphabet, counting or rote memorization such as multiplication tables to be very difficult. It isn't the child, it's his brain.

Most parents are under the impression that a child with dyslexia will have trouble with spelling, and that's true. But there are so many more symptoms. The most common and publicized symptom is reversal of letters, but not for the reason most think. The child doesn''t see the word backwards. Due to their visual processing problem, that is often present with dyslexia, the child sees the word the right way, but writes or reads it wrong. Don't panic, if your child reverses letters early as they are learning to read and write. Many children do this. The concern would be if the reversals continue past the first couple of years.

Some other symptoms include:

• * oral language (stuttering)
• * articulation issues (trouble with L's, R's, M's and N's, S, sh, ch)
• * auditory processing in how many sounds held onto
• * significant auditory discrimination problems
• * phonemic awareness problems
• * reading difficulty (in processing language with his eyes)
• * writing difficulty (language with hands, penmanship)
• * trouble tying shoes
• * difficulty with left & right
• * difficulty sounding out new words
• * can read a word fine on a page, then turn the page and not recognize it

There is no hard and fast test for dyslexia. But if your child has some of these symptoms, you may want to pursue help from an educational psychologist. Or, you can treat the symptoms with some coping skills. I am working on a pst about the various interventions available for the treatment of dyslexia. Stay tuned!

For more information:

Overcoming Dyslexia
bright solutions

T, who says reversals and reading problems are the tip of the iceberg

photo copyright Tina Cruz

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I'm so aware of autism I'll give you the shirt off my back!

Autism Awareness month is almost half over, and if you don't already have your autism awareness t-shirt, what the heck are you waiting for?! Yes, I know we are already aware of autism, but believe it or not, I still run into people who don't know about autism! No, really. I swear. Like the sweet grandma at the grocery store who thought my daughter was just "overtired." So our job is not done, friends. I don't know about you, but I often don't want to have to tell people in so many words about my kids. I let my shirt speak for me. I know, I know, I don't have to tell them anything, but work with me here...

All the cool kids are wearing them… don't you want to be one of the cool kids? Well? Don't you? That there is my son, and he is the coolest of the cool. I didn't plan to have him wear red, it Just Happened. I enjoyed taking the pictures with him. He was a really good sport, as usual. He is used to Momma's bizarre bloggy requests. A t-shirt picture was easy! This is where I got mine…isn't it snazzy? Fits well, and hey, it's red! (yes, I know the "official" color for autism is blue, but I never claimed to like boxes much. Well, that is, unless they are small, blue and velvet and contain jewelry. Barring that, I think the red looks pretty good, don't you?

You know you want one! Go. Now. And just to sweeten the deal (because, after all, I an nothing if not sweet) Cheap? Shame on you! You can enter the following code for 10% off ANYTHING on the site Custom T-Shirts..but you know what you really want is an autism awareness shirt, right?

just enter the code at check out!

sendchoc10

T, who figures her favorite color this month is red

I was not compensated for this post, but I did receive a really cool t-shirt

picture taken with Canon T1i. Edited with Picnik which makes my photos look like a rock star. Or pro level. Or something.

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Intent is 9/10ths of the battle

I admit it, I wear my heart on my sleeve. So it isn't that difficult to hurt my feelings. It has been my Achille's heel for most of my life. In grade school I was a perfect target for bullies: I could be reduced to tears very easily.

They say "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me, " and even as a child, I knew that was a crock of crap. And I suppose you could argue that if you let people get to you, they will, but I cannot successfully harden my heart to the point that criticism does not get in. I tried for a while. I didn't like who I became. I was brittle, with sharp edges. Not a fun person to be around. Not a fun person to be.

These days, I am stronger. I am open emotionally, the better to love. And sometimes, it hurts. So when my son said to me, "Did you ride a dinosaur to school named Fluffy?" as funny as it sounds now, I had to swallow the lump in my throat. Because it was his intent to hurt my feelings. Autism, or no autism. He was angry that I wouldn't take him to the video game store so he could trade in his old video games for a new one. And he wanted to make me pay. He took cheap shots about my age, something he knows I can be sensitive about.

So even though it was a silly thing to say, and laughable as far as insults go, I responded to his intent, not his words. Now, after all these years, it finally dawned on me why my feelings are hurt so easily. It isn't what you say, it's how you say it. Lesson learned, and ready to be taught.

Funny how even now I am learning things about myself.

T, who just wants people to be nice to one another

Aftermath

My suitcase is heavy. It sits, crouched in my room, next to the closet. I haven't had the nerve to unpack it yet. It looms, pregnant with unrealized dreams, frustrations and what could have been. I try to ignore it. I don't do a very good job. Every time I walk into the room, there it is.

Sixteen days. Seems like a lifetime ago. That's when I kissed plump cheeks goodbye, squeezed sticky hands with admonishments to "be good", and climbed into my father-in-law's car to drive to the airport with my husband. I had high hopes, but didn't really know what to expect. We hadn't been away together for any length of time since the children were born. We were ready.

And it was wonderful. Awesome, even. We drove down the coast of New Zealand, stopping wherever our hearts lead us. We had no agenda, and no qualms about enjoying the company of one another. Memories were made that will last a lifetime. That's the problem.

I had to come home. And I can't see home the same anymore. I have never allowed myself to consider what life would have been like without my children. It is what it is, is my motto, why push it? But for sixteen glorious days, I was not a mother. I was just…me. With him. And it was wonderful. My heart was full. No tethering to others' needs or whims. I was free. It couldn't last, and it didn't.

I had thirteen hours en route to LAX to forget that bliss; to morph back into a mother who puts her children first again. But those shoes aren't fitting very well. I am aware that makes me an awful, selfish person. And it is why my suitcase is heavy. It is a constant reminder of what I had. And unpacking it means I will ferret it away into a closet, forgetting what it was like to live from it for weeks. Unpacking would be putting to rest the adventurer and the free spirit I was two weeks ago. And I am just not ready to do that.

And the guilt? The guilt is palpable. I can taste it on my tongue, metallic and bitter, like I need to brush my teeth. I want to be that mother again, but I don't know how. I almost wish I had never gone, because now? Now I am back. And I know what I am missing, every minute, of every day.

My suitcase is heavy, but not as heavy as my heart.

T, who hopes I will get over this

Wanted: 10 minutes peace, but I'll settle for 5..ok make that 3

"Parents are not particularly interested in justice, they are interested in quiet." -Bill Cosby

I am a pretty easy going person, for the most part. No, really, I am. Unless I am tired, and then all bets are off. I can be irritable, easily frustrated, noise sets my teeth on edge. This week, I haven't been sleeping very well. I just got new braces (the clear kind...my ego is intact) and they are making it hard to rest. Also, there is a lot going on, and sleep is what suffers. I don't want to make my friends' problems about me… but one of my best Internet friends just found out her husband's cancer has reoccurred, and I am hurting badly for them. Also, another Internet friend is in a hospital ICU fighting for her life back. A good friend is being absolutely screwed over by her ex husband. My daughters have been fighting illness. And me? I am just trying to find some justice, some equilibrium and some peace.

Unfortunately, my youngest, JBean, doesn't understand what "lower your voice," "be quiet, please," "silence" or "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO MORE NOISE!" means. She has no idea how to do anything quietly. It just isn't in her makeup. Ok, maybe it's the autism, or maybe it's just her, but enough. Her stim is making noise. She sings, constantly. She sings while playing. She sings in the bathroom. She tries to sing while she eats. She sings herself to sleep. And my ears are tired.

I cannot tell you what I would give for silence. And not the silence where someone else jumps in with a request once they hear dead air for more than 5 seconds, either. Gee, do you think that happens a lot around here? Part of autism is not always getting the nuances of the meter of conversation and where it is ok to break in. So there is a lot of stepping on others' words here. The kids talk over one another, and don't always hear each other. And I am just ready for no more chatter.

I am thinking, an hour, maybe two, of just blessed quiet. If you ask her to be quiet, she talks at the level she thinks is quiet, which is just below the decibels of a jackhammer. And she is just about as repetitive. Driving her noise into my brain, until I want to run screaming, into traffic. Now, this doesn't seem like such a bad plan, really. I figure one of two things will happen: 1) a car will run me over and save me from the noise or 2) they will commit me for being unstable.

And really, the hospital is quiet, for the most part. And I would get to lie in bed all day. And the hat factory wouldn't be such a bad place, when you think about it. Maybe I would finally learn to knit. Hats? Either way, the hospital or the funny farm, at least it would be quiet with no more demands. Three square meals a day,that I don't have to cook. Someone taking care of my every need. Time to nap. Oh, don't tell me you haven't thought about it! Hell, that would just about be a vacation. Where do I sign up?

T, who just wants a break

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Look! I'm a Star! (ok, so only in my head..)

Hey everyone! Today I am appearing on Special Needs Kids Talk Radio, so come check it out! 10 a.m. PST and 1 p.m. EST (noon, CST). We are going to talk about autism, homeschooling and what it's like being the "odd one out" in my family. You can listen by clicking on the link, and then the little special needs square takes you to the show. If you register, you can also chat and ask questions for me to answer on air. Come and listen!

From the website:

We are talking to Tina Cruz today about homeschooling her 3 kids and being the only "normal" person in her household, which makes her the strange one. Tina has a great sense of humor, despite her trials and tribulations

This is the first time I have done this, so let me know you are listening. I am terrified bewildered nervous!

T, who hopes I don't stutter and say "uhm..." a lot

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Giveaway: Aware of Autism? I'd Like To Buy You a Bracelet! (Since I Can't Teach the World To Sing)

Erin has stirred up quite the storm over at Queen of Spain, and I agree with her wholeheartedly. The timing is a bit awkward, because we are talking about giveaways and transparency and writing. My comments can be read over there, if you so choose, I won't beat a dead horse. The crazy thing is, though, I am doing a giveaway!

But here's the thing:: It isn't for some sponsored product, like bathroom cleaner or foot fungus soap, it's for autism awareness bracelets. And here's why: I bought three bracelets from Jularie Jewels at eBay at the beginning of April. They were very inexpensive, and despite being handmade, I didn't have high hopes. When they arrived I loved them sooo much that I contacted the seller and asked for 10 more to give away on my blog. I paid for them. Out of my own pocket, because it is a cause near and dear to my heart. And I wanted you to have one.

I purposely waited until almost the end of "Autism Awareness Month" because I wanted the bracelets to go to those who are intimately familiar with autism and would continue to wear them. For us, autism awareness occurs every day, when we interact with our children. So here is what I am asking:

While traffic is nice, please only enter the contest if you are intimately familiar with autism as in, have a child or family member close to you who has it.

To enter:

Please comment in comments with the thing that makes you the most aware of autism, or a story about how autism affects you and leave me your email so I can let you know if you win! (I promise I won't send you any fake British lottery notices or anything)

Everyone gets one entry. I would love it if you tweet the giveway, or if you wanted to sub to my blog because you think my writing is the bomb or if you wrote about the giveaway on your own blog because you believe in it, but I am not going to manipulate you into doing any of those things simply to raise my SEO or rank. And I don't think you should do any of those things just to get extra entries on anyone's blog. But...that's just me. You can disagree with me and I will still love you.

I only have EIGHT bracelets. (I bought 10, but my daughter whined and I had to give her two of them). I WISH I had one for everyone, because I wish all moms who desired a bracelet could have one. I really do think these are nice bracelets, as I said, I have three of my own, one for each of my children. I don't get anything special for giving these away, except satisfaction of knowing EIGHT more women have a bracelet.

GOOD LUCK! I will choose the winners by random number generator (because how can I judge the quality of comments??) the second week of May. Love you all!

I hope you love your bracelet as much as I love mine!

T, who hopes you enjoy the bracelets as my gift to you

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Now Let's Play: Name That Smell!

There's a new post on my homeschool blog about Learning Styles. It's short, sweet and you want to read it. Now go. It's ok, we'll wait...

One of the hallmarks of autism is an extremely acute sense of smell. This can be a problem at times, because it makes food unpalatable and causes embarrassing situations. My 7 year old has a keen sense of the olfactory. She cannot stand to have me close to her before I brush my teeth in the morning, or after drinking coffee. (as you might imagine, since I run on coffee, this makes mornings challenging) She wants cuddles but doesn't want me to breathe. Have you ever tried to keep from breathing? It's not good for your health! 100% of the people who stop breathing? DIE.

Some other quirks: The garbage has to be taken out often, or she has to stay out of the kitchen. Cat food and vienna sausage (aren't those pretty much the same thing??) make her gag. The smell of body, clean or dirty, can make her antsy and complaining.

If she is around an offending smell, she cannot shut it off, and will often proclaim loudly how icky it is.
Embarrassment, thy name is JBean. Yes. It is. She doesn't like perfume, and smells that you may consider pleasant make her highly agitated. And, she is going to let you know about it. A lot. (we are working on this, I assure you...but she is only 7.

an aside...because autism is a developmental delay, my chid may appear to be 7, but acts more like 5. Think of a dog being 3, and in Dog Years, that's 21 or so. Autism Years are similar...except backwards. Confused? That's ok, now you are in the state I live in. Wait, you say, I thought you lived in California...? Yeah. Shut up and let me get back to my story. Geez.

Proving there is no rhyme or reason when it comes to autism, my son is exactly the opposite of my daughter. Smells that most reasonable people would find repellent, such as gasoline, tar, sulphur, rubber tires...he finds soothing and stimulating. While one is trying to keep her lunch down while refusing to inhale, the other is breathing deeply.

I am what is known as a "super-taster." I have an overdeveloped sense of smell and taste. I don't wear perfume (have only ever found two that I can tolerate without an instant headache) and highly perfumed anything is something I avoid. Being trapped in an elevator with a woman wearing perfume is a horror of mine. But there are scents I like: lavender, vanilla, chocolate. Most candles from Illuminations, at least the food scents, I love. And citrus anything is ok, too. I am not keen on the smell of flowers, unless they are actually naturally growing. Body wash in florals make me sick.

All that to say, I have no idea where my children got their sense of smell. Probably off the turnip truck they fell from, I would imagine. No wonder the kids don't like turnips.

T, who wears perfume about twice a year

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GFCF Twitter Party, did you RSVP?

Tomorrow, I am a panelist at the Gluten Free Twitter Party. I run at 7:30. Look for the hashtag #gfree. To organize the tweets, you can use TweetChat, or TweetGrid. These services will pick on the the #gfree tweets so you can keep them straight. To enter, log on to the site, and enter room, type #gfree. And, you're there.

So, anything you wanted to know about the gluten-free, casein-free diet...ask me. My son has been on the diet since he was 5 years old. He is 10 now. So a bit over 5 years, he has been diet-compliant. Over the years, I have found what works and what doesn't. I would LOVE to share my knowledge, and hope it helps you.

If you have any specific questions, ask in comments...I will make sure to get you the information. There are also many giveways, which may entice you to attend.. free stuff is always fun.

As for GFCF... I am currently working on a list of GFCF fast food, just clearing a few items with the companies to make sure they are compliant. Be on the look out for that post soon.

T, who is in yer Twitter, tellin' you what to eat

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You Have Nothing To Fear..Except Everything

Lately we have been struggling with the 7 year old's growing list of phobias.

Bugs, especially creepy-crawly bugs have her terrified. If she sees one, she runs in the house like a screaming banshee (well she is always a screaming banshee, but she becomes a screaming banshee with one purpose: Escape). Currently, one of the targets of her fear are crane flies. Now, you know they are a bit scary looking, but crane flies are harmless. Only she can't get that. Big bug, long dangly legs. Dangerous.

In autism, it doesn't matter how irrational a fear is, once a child makes up her mind, it is very difficult to change. Theory of Mind, which means that she sees ALL situations with only her point of view, doesn't allow for anything but black and white. There is very little gray in autism. We work at helping her broaden her viewpoint, but it's very hard, and it can be really frustrating. Sometimes, I can actually convince her that the bug isn't going to eat her. She believes me. Just for that moment. Because, you see, once that bug is gone (because I never kill bugs, I catch them in a large plastic cup and carry them outside...a product of my soft-hearted son's insistence that all of God's creatures deserve to live) she won't remember that all of that type of bug is harmless. Apparently, the Harmless Bug has evil cousins that are Evil Bugs and even though Harmless Bug is, in fact, harmless, Evil Bugs are bent on eating my daughter for lunch. I can explain until I am blue in the face, and she cannot generalize the specific situation. So every time she sees a bug, either inside or outside, there is screaming and cowering, and sometimes running into the house.

Another phobia lately is of dogs, particularly our neighbor's rat-dog nasty-ass chihuahua. Don't get me wrong, I love dogs. BIG dogs. Tiny little yip-yip dogs are like rodents, with great big eyes and little teeny teeth....the better to bite your ankles when you aren't looking. The problem isn't the dog, it's the owner. People don't realize that dogs are not human and don't need to be treated like babies. There is a pack order that they respond to. Possessive little dogs may seem cute, but if that dog was large, it would be dangerous. Teaching a dog, any dog, to be over a human by allowing ill-mannered behavior is just asking for trouble. And with little dogs, people don't see this.

I am not in the least afraid of dogs; I haven't met a dog I couldn't figure out or let's be honest, control if I had to. The Dog Whisperer has improved my skills, but I was already pretty good. The secret is...you have to show a dog who 's boss. You can certainly treat them well, but in the end, you are the alpha.

My son was also afraid of the dog, because it chased him into our house. That's right, the neighbor's let this dog run free and it ran my son into his own damn house! I then taught him how to stand up to the little booger, with body language and eye contact. ("Remember son, I am not at all suggesting this, but remember, that dog can be a football if worst comes to worst") Now the dog stays away from JBear, since he isn't a target anymore. But my little daughter, JBean is still afraid of the obnoxious thing. It has gone so far that she refuses to go outside, for fear it is running loose. Makes me so angry. I have talked to the neighbors, and they did bring the dog inside. But he gets out so frequently, there isn't much point. We have a leash law, but it's only in public. Still, by law, you cannot let your mutt run over other peoples' private property. So keep the dog out of my yard, off my driveway and away from my kids.

This is JBean's interpretation of the Evil Chihuahua...click on the picture to embiggen...

You know I homeschool, so my kids often spread a blanket in the yard and spread out their schoolwork. This dog is really cramping our style. When I went up to the neighbor's door, the dog tried to go after my ankles, but I let it know I wasn't afraid of it. I just wish I could teach JBean that she has nothing to fear. If nothing else, mama is there. And she knows I will protect her, no matter what. That's what Mama does. I will kick ass and ask questions later. And if that dog bites one of my children, it's War baby.

* I realize I need to say that I haven't hurt this dog, nor would I. I like all dogs...small ones for other people. I wouldn't have a small dog, but you can if you want to. Just don't let it chase my kids and bark at them. Ok? Ok!

T, who wants a big dog but doesn't want to have to walk it every day

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Don't Bug Me About The Oatmeal: Extra Protein Edition

"It has WHAT?" I recoiled in horror. My son had just said the Irish steel-cut oats that my daughter made for breakfast, the ones we all love, made in honor of St. Patrick's Day- had bugs in it. "You're crazy, kiddo, I checked it myself." "No, mama they're really small, you can barely see them." I told him to bring me the container, and I put it close to my eye, squinting carefully. Sure enough, tiny little crawly bugs, almost invisible to the eye were crawling around inside the container. On the oats. That she had just cooked. I felt my bile rise. Apparently we added a little extra protein to our breakfast this morning. That's when my littlest daughter started screaming. I understood, but this was over the top. You have to love autism.

You need to understand, JBean at seven, is pretty much bug-phobic. She doesn't like any of them, no matter how cute or interesting they might be. As you can imagine, this makes going outside a challenge. She just found out that the oatmeal she had eaten, and my leftovers that she had scarfed had contained hideous bugs the thing she hates most in life. She was on the verge of a panic attack.

Meanwhile, my eldest daughter, who had cooked the oats, was ashen. She had tears running down her face, and her mouth was frozen into a mask of horror. Surely, this could not be happening.

And my son, JBear, the fruit of my loins, the one who has no idea when to stop talking, continued to tell us all how we had eaten bugs, and they were there, in the container, and could you believe it? Trying to shut him up and deal with the now-death-grip on my arm from my youngest and console my oldest who of course, was blaming herself, because you know if anything goes wrong when she is doing something it is automatically her fault. Just ask her. And I was trying to control my roiling stomach. Amidst the screams of them all. Why is it when all hell breaks loose, I feel the insane urge to laugh? I guess I see the comedy in the situation...

My youngest decided then she needed to go to the bathroom. But, since she was absolutely freaked out about the possibility of bugs, she decided she wasn't going into the bathroom, because what if there were bugs in there? She declared she was just going to wet her pants, she didn't care. (niiiice, don't you want MY life? Sometimes, neither do I).

JBear, who was trying to help said, "If you pee your pants it will attract bugs!" Alrighty, then. Thanks for that kid. The screaming intensified:

"I have to go to the bathroom! No, I am going to pee my pants! I won't go! Ah, I will bring bugs if I peeeeee..." Completely out of control. I cupped her face with my hands, something she doesn't like, but that brings her back into focus and told her to listen to the sound of my voice. She needed to calm down. "We are going to do birthday candles to help you calm down, now." I told her. And I lead her through some deep breathing to slow her heart and her fears. It worked, and she did go to the bathroom. But then she was worried that maybe she peed just a little in her undies, and that it would attract bugs! I explained that doesn't happen, she was fine, and she could just go change her underwear if she was worried. So she did. With some cajoling and I walked her through it.

No sooner did she get done, my son started again about the bugs in the oatmeal. He hadn't eaten any of it (he is gluten-free) and so lacking empathy with autism, was fascinated by our predicament. He just wouldn't stop talking! How festive! Once I got him quiet, I convinced the girls that the bugs got in after we opened the container and we didn't eat anything except oats. Turned out when my son said, "bug" my littlest daughter heard, "Bug" and here that's code for the C Word, because I am terrified of them. (other bugs are fine, but the big black/brown ones send me to the moon. I suppose in a way it is funny. Unless you are me.) So the kids know not to say that word, that rhymes with the second word in "stagecoach." That kind of bug is what my JBean thought was in the can of oats...no wonder she freaked out at the possibility of eating it! Ugh. I explained that the bugs we were talking about were too small to see, and that they are called weevils. (not that it helped me, but she started to calm down.)

So of course, I had to tweet our gross discovery, because well, duh. And someone tweeted back not to share the recipe with her for something, in spanish. I didn't recognize the word. I clicked the link, not really thinking. LIttle daughter was sitting right there, next to the computer. The link was a picture of a frying pan full of grasshoppers. Nice crunchy ones, with garlic and chiles. And yes, it looked like a pan full of bugs. Crap. I blew that one. The hysterics started again. It took a half-hour to calm her down, but I finally distracted her with a book. (later my twitter friend apologized, but it really was not her fault, at all. Also, I found it interesting that in Mexico they eat grasshoppers. Don't the legs get stuck in your teeth??) Yes, I know in many countries they eat insects, but culturally, I can't get past my bias...

Anyway...it made such great blog fodder, so I owe her.

Once everyone is settled down, we spoke no more of it. But I would imagine it will be a long time before any of us eat oatmeal again. And you better believe I will be using a magnifying glass to check grains from now on!

T, who is feeling sick just writing this

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The Way I See It, You Have Two Choices...

Tonight I was reading one of my favorite blogs (you can find it in my blogroll down right), Attack of the Redneck Mommy. Her post was lamenting the fact that people can be so rude when it comes to how they handle kids with special needs. Her frustration is that her son comes across as different and people don't know how to act around him. They say insensitive things. They gawk, and they generally make asses of themselves. It can be hard to explain to her older children. Especially when people are trying to be funny. I couldn't shake her post, and it started my wheels turning.

My oldest daughter is 14. One of the favorite expressions among her peers is "That's so retarded!" She has tried to explain to them why it's not acceptable, but it falls on deaf ears. Her friends don't see anything wrong with it. When I hear it, I also say something. I die a little every time I hear it. The first time my son used it, I almost had a stroke. It's not okay. The definition of retarded is an a IQ of less than 70. My children are not retarded. My kids have at least an average, possibly higher than average IQ. But my kids have autism. And I understand the lurch of a mother's heart when she opens her email to find pictures that are masquerading as humor staring at her, poised to wound her.

It's the heart I had when I saw Napoleon Dynamite. (I include a clip in case you live under a rock and never saw this awful movie). I have no idea if the title character was supposed to have had autism. I just know I squirmed uncomfortably while watching. I didn't see the humor in watching those poor socially-inept boys as we were supposed to laugh at them. It felt way too close to home. My mother's heart was breaking, and I wanted to kick somebody's butt, hard. I understand empathy while watching movies that deal with teen situations. Sure, we were all awkward at times back then, some more than others. Even the cheerleaders had bad hair days. But I drew the line at watching a film that made fun of kids who seemed oblivious to their social standing and how badly they stuck out. What could possibly make this funny? Watching how clueless they were? Glad it wasn't you? It felt cruel to sit and laugh at their behavior. Why?

Because you just can't tell by looking at someone what their normal is.

When I take my kids out, they look normal. No, really, they do. They are pretty cute, two wear braces, one is too young, but, sadly, due to her lousy gene pool and my recessed jawline (autism AND braces?) she will eventually need them, too.

Remember, I live in the land of the Beautiful People and have, upon more than one occasion, had a talent scout walk up to my family on the way through Nordstrom and invite us to an agent meeting. I am always told how adorable and well-mannered they are... and have I ever considered getting them into acting? And I think "Yeah, sure, they are well-mannered now, but wait until the 7 year old wants a drink of water, or the lights are too bright or she is just ready to go HOME. Wait until the 10 year old gets fixated on the latest whatjamacallit that he absolutely HAS to have, and can he borrow $10 (which I never loan him, but hope springs eternal.) Just wait until my 14 yr old is trying to find shoes and can't find one single, solitary pair that looks or feels right in the entire three-story mall. Wait for the meltdowns. They are coming." Or not...

Because they look just like every other fresh-scrubbed talent hopeful, the reactions when my children fall apart are always the same: surprise. Embarrassed glances, a titter here or there. Because, when the dam breaks, our cup runneth over. And the judgment is always the same, I can see it in their eyes. (And no, I am not particularly sensitive to it, but I do a bit of mind-reading, so I can tell) It MUST be the parenting!" That's right, if I would only discipline my brood, that would stop it. I can almost hear the thoughts in my head:

I mean really! How can she possibly let him go on and on about that video game? Asking over and over again? Doesn't she enforce limits? Doesn't no, mean no? It is her fault he is like that, what an absolutely disagreeable little boy, haranguing his mama like that!

What is WRONG with that little girl, she won't stop whining! She looks old enough to be patient, what is that mother teaching? And it's shameful the way that father is carrying her, rather than making her walk on her own instead of collapsing in a heap on the floor! Why, in my day...

It all comes from giving children too much power and too many choices!

(Someone actually did say that to me!)

Understand, we are often on the way out when this kind of thing starts, but it's still the same thing. Why can't you control your child?

I suppose at that point, I have a choice. I can explain to the kind strangers who really just want the best for my children that there is autism present in our family, and thank you very much for your understanding and consideration, I am dealing with it. Then I can also explain, when faced with their blank looks, that there are different levels of autism and no my children don't check out mentally or stack blocks in the shape of the Eiffel Tower, they just respond to situations with less control than most kids sometimes.

I could say that.

Or I could mentally tell them to piss off and walk away with as much pride and aplomb as I can muster.

Guess which I do more often?

T, who is tired of explaining and just not going to do it anymore

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Pulling My Hair Out

Quick, take this quiz:

My littlest one has been such a pill these last few days that I am:
A. Selling her to the gypsies, just as soon as they show up at my door
B. Locking her in a closet with a rabid weasel
C. Leaving the country and flying to Fiji....alone
D. Keeping a food journal to figure out what the sam hill I am feeding her that's making her crazy

And the answer is: D but I reserve the right to also consider C. Does anyone have any frequent flyer miles they want to donate to my sanity? How about hard liquor? I won't drink it, I will just stare at it and think about drinking it...promise.

I don't think I am feeding her anything strange, but I want to make sure it isn't a blood sugar dip, or a food dye or high-fructose corn syrup or Obnoxious Juice What? You haven't heard of O.J.? I am pretty sure most teenagers drink it, and since I have one in the house, maybe my 7 year old also managed to find it. Still don't know where it comes from, though.

I figure by keeping a list of everything she eats and drinks, I might be able to figure out if there is a pattern to her fits,screams and general unpleasantness. Is it food? Time of day? Fear? Anxiety? I am rational. So by studying it, I am hoping to hit upon a solution. Or head to Fiji. Stay tuned.

So..what do you suggest I do with this child?

T, who just wants a normal life, but geez, I will settle for a margarita

Technorati: Aspergers, diet, behavior

Better than Getting Your Leg Gnawed Off (barely)

What's the worst thing you can do with a child who is anxious? How about take her to Universal Studios during the month of October? Last Tuesday my entire family was visiting and decided they wanted to play tourist and see Universal Studios. I figured, "Why not?" Might be fun, after all, years ago back when I was a teenager I took the Backlot Tram tour. It was fun, a bit suspenseful.. my kids would love it, right? Or, at least, they would tolerate it. Except, my kids are different.... Maybe it's the autism...they are all so literal, and take situations very seriously. But..it's a movie studio, right? They make their living playing pretend. Surely my children would see that?

I knew there would be trouble when we first entered the gates to large posters of serial killers: Freddy Kruger, Jason, Texas Chainsaw Massacre. it never even occured to me that the Studio would be running scary Halloween promos and images...now we know My JBean was terrified, and extremely reticent to continue.I had to coax her into continuing, she was whimpering. If we had been alone, just our family, we would have left. But we had family to think about. We helped JBean (and JBug, too) to avoid the posters, look the other way. But as we ventured further into the park, there were dummies of zombies, and they were scary looking. Their emaciated flesh hung on their bones, their mouths frozen in an unholy grimace. Exactly the kind of imagery that can stick with a kid who has an overactive imagination. Enter: JBug. Yes, she is 14, but she really doesn't like visual scariness. Can you blame her?

I suppose for some, Universal Studios would be a great time. And there were attractions that we enjoyed. The Curious George childrens'park was a lot of fun. Shrek 4D was done well. Jurassic Park was a decent ride, even if the pacing was a bit off. But overall, the park didn't match our family values. The Simpsons Ride talked about Sideshow Bob, and serial killers and butts and was just tacky. And scary. We don't watch the show at home. I made the mistake of taking JBean on the ride without previewing it....scared her to death. I felt terrible. It was a motion-simulator, and a good one. The ride probably would have been amazing if I hadn't been busy covering her eyes and promising she would never have to go on a ride like that again. Lesson learned.

Then came the Backlot Tram Tour. I don't let my kids watch scary movies. They have never even seen Jurassic Park. They haven't seen Jaws, War of the Worlds, The Mummy... call me overprotective. My kids don't really like movies that are frightening. Body parts strewn over the crash site of War of the Worlds is just beyond their experience. I was horrified, because, truly, when kids see that type of imagery, and are exposed over and over again, do you really think it doesn't change them in some fundamental way? I never want my children to be unresponsive in the face of that kind of carnage. I don't ever want them to see it as normal, or be desensitized to it. While I wish my 14 year old was less sensitive, I am am somewhat glad that she recoils in horror to what to me, is horrific.

Set of War of the Worlds

On the other hand, I wonder if the other extreme, that of being afraid of your shadow, is just as bad. Overactive imagination? Maybe. Maybe it's the autism that makes my kids so literal, I couldn't say. I do know though, that my brother's kids had a great time. And honestly, so did JBear...for the most part. But fear can turn into Fear. Whimpering, teary-eyed Fear. Fear that means you can't go around the corner in case you run into something you don't want to see. Most kids can suspend reality and know the monsters are really just guys dressed up to play with you. My girls, while they understand that in their heads, can't get past what they see.

Have I mentioned that JBean has such a fear of Halloween costumes that we cannot venture into Target anywhere that the costumes might be? I have to give Halloween stores a wide berth. She is really afraid. In addition to the zombies, the Mummy and Frankenstein were running around. And Beetlejuice. As I mentioned, the girls dissolved into tears when he showed up, which he saw and immediately took off again. (he isn't out to scare anyone) I have no idea how they ended up being so afraid: I am sure it has something to do with the fact they don't like clowns.

It wasn't a complete loss. We also saw Scooby Doo and Shaggy. And JBug rode the Jurassic Park ride and loved it so much she repeated it. I visited Wisteria Lane, and realized I am not nearly as Desperate as I thought I was. But Universal Studios isn't a place we would return to....we'll stick to Disneyland, I think.

What suggestions do you have for dealing with childrens' fears?

T, who needs to think

Technorati: Halloween, family, autism

Maybe I Don't Like Alphabet Soup So Much

More Letters to Add to the Soup?

Lord knows, I do not go around collecting letters to put after my childrens' names. I don't have Munchausen Syndrome by proxy. And really? We have enough letters, such as: ASD, HFA, GAD, ADD,BPD,OCD, Dyslexia... See? But today, I recognized what JBean has been doing, and the "label" is scarier, really, than the reality. Still, it has to be addressed.

JBean is 7 years old. She has been diagnosed with "Autistic Disorder" but is very highly functioning. I believe her actual diagnosis would be Asperger Syndrome, like her brother. She is an infinitely-serious child. Most of the time, her voice is a sing-song almost-baby voice; this is true at home and outside the home as well. She is small for her age, with large, deep light green eyes and elfin features. I have been told she is adorable. She needs speech therapy, because her speech is difficult to understand. We tried regular therapy last year, but she really wouldn't interact with the therapist.

JBean, though she likes people, doesn't speak in public much. This is especially true if the situation is at all anxiety-producing for her, like a doctor or a teacher, or a new situation that she doesn't know. Up until now, I just figured she was slow-to-warm, like her older sister was at her age. She would grow out of it, like her sister. Turns out, maybe JBug also was dealing with the same issues, just not to the degree that JBean seems to show.

With a quiet, obedient child it is easy to overlook their silence. I am wondering if this is what is happening with her. At Sunday School, I suspect she is getting lost int he crowd. She doesn't go to public school, so this is not a stressor for her. She speaks a ton at home, and apparently this is normal: home is not a difficult place; it is mostly a safe place. She does tend to freeze up and become completely uncommunicative when she is upset or doesn't know what to do. This behavior extends to home as well. Frustration tantrums can result. I figured she just needed help with self-regulation, and that is part of it. But there seems to be more.

I sub to an Aspergers e-newsletter that isn't really very good, but once in a while has something that is informative. Today was that day. It was an article on Selective Mutism. Though not in-depth, it piqued my curiosity so I did some research.

From the Selective Mutism Center website:

Selective Mutism is a complex childhood anxiety disorder characterized by a child’s inability to speak and communicate effectively in select social settings, such as school. These children are able to speak and communicate in settings where they are comfortable, secure and relaxed.

More than 90% of children with Selective Mutism also have social phobia or social anxiety. This disorder is quite debilitating and painful to the child. Children and adolescents with Selective Mutism have an actual FEAR of speaking and of social interactions where there is an expectation to speak and communicate.

Many children with Selective Mutism have great difficulty responding or initiating communication in a nonverbal manner; therefore social engagement may be compromised in many children when confronted by others or in a setting that is overwhelming or they sense a feeling of expectation.

...Some children (20-30%) with Selective Mutism have subtle speech and/or language abnormalities such as receptive and/or expressive language abnormalities and language delays. Some may have subtle learning disabilities including auditory processing disorder. In most of these cases, the children have inhibited temperaments (prone to shyness and anxiety). The added stress of the speech/language disorder learning disability, or processing disorder may cause the child to feel that much more anxious and perhaps insecure or uncomfortable in situations where there is an expectation to speak.

And this definition is JBean to a T. Guess it is time to seek some therapy and get off my butt and coordinate speech help as well.

:::sigh::: She didn't need to go to college, right? I hope not, because I am spending the college fund on braces and therapy for my children.

T, who says we never should have procreated...we really had some bad gene combos

>What are you spending your childrens' college money (or your retirement!) on?

Technorati: , selective_mutism, selectivemutism, SM, anxiety, anxiety_disorder, social_phobia