How to talk to a child with Asperger's without pulling your hair out...or theirs! (Part 2)

Continuation of Part 1, yesterday's post on how to talk to a kid with autism.

• 3. Be HONEST. Just tell him you can't talk about that right now. That you are busy, maybe later you can discuss it. He probably won't be hurt by it, he will appreciate your candor. But if you tell him this, know he has the memory of an elephant and long after you have forgotten? He will find you.
• 4. Play a game. I Spy, "I'm Thinking of a Word..." "When I Go To the Moon I'm Bringing..." these are all good choices. But don't be surprised if he kicks your butt. The kid has an amazing attention to detail and his memory will blow you away.
• 5. Engage in an activity you both enjoy. Go to a ball game. Do a craft. Find time for one-on-one. Just know we are working on good sportsmanship to board games and video games...win or lose, he will shake your hand and say, "Good game!" Be prepared.
• 6. If all else fails, shoot me a look. I will rescue you both. Under no circumstances be unkind to him...he will remember it. as will I

Remember that he is a work in progress. He is really trying. If he is having a hard day, let me handle it. Please don't judge my parenting, or question my decisions. I know my son, I know what helps him calm and what triggers him to fall apart. And realize that just because yesterday he had a conversation with you about physics doesn't mean he can do it again today. He may be able to...in fact, he probably can.

But, the difficult thing with autism is that it is different everyday. I continue to teach him, and he continues to grow. And really, that growth is all we can really ask of anyone. Get to know my son...or any kid with autism. I would bet you will find a great kid with a really unique way of looking at things.

Aspergers truly makes the world go around. Silicon Valley? High population of Aspergers Syndrome. Computer engineers? Electrical engineers? Scientists? Maybe one day that will be my son, because he can hyperfocus. (his father is a software engineer, you connect the dots)

My son brings a lot of joy to my life, simply because he looks at things so much differently than I do. If I kept him at home, you would miss the chance to experience this. And really, diversity, neuro or otherwise, really does make the world go around. See you on the plane. Or in the grocery store. Maybe at the library...

So this was what we did a couple of years ago...what do you think? What works in YOUR house?

T, who learned this all the hard way

How to talk to a child with Asperger's without pulling your hair out...or theirs!

In an ongoing series, I have been posting some of my older posts, for new readers who have recently found me. (ok, you got me, I am just pressed for time. ;oD) In all seriousness, this is one of my favorite posts...written almost three years ago. hope you enjoy it.

The biggest hurdle that we face with my son's autism is that he looks so normal. There is an expectation for his behavior that sometimes he just flat cannot meet. But you can't see what is wrong with him at first glance. He isn't in a wheel chair. He hasn't lost his sight. Most of the time, he hears what you say. But he has a disability. I hate calling it that, but that is what it is. Yes, he has autism. That's not the disability, though. His disability, you ask? Peoples' attitudes. Judgmental women at the grocery store, and anyone who thinks he "should" know how to behave and that he is just the product of over-indulgent parents.

He deals with the attitudes of other children. Kids can be, if not cruel, just not understanding. They think he is weird. He talks funny, with more of a drone than other kids. Sometimes, especially when he is excited, he doesn't enunciate well. His topics go on and on. Frankly, many of his peers don't know what to do with him. It's hard. But you know what? He exists. He has a right to live a full life. I am not going to keep him at home because he might be a little strange in his talk about movie characters. He needs to learn how to interact with others, and some need to learn to be more tolerant. They can help each other.

The hardest thing for me to watch as a mother is to watch my son struggling socially to fit in. He tries so hard, is very gregarious, wants to engage people and interact. He just... isn't very good at it. Autism isn't a very good friend. Granted, I would imagine I am more tuned into his social gaffes than others may be. In fact, others seem to enjoy him. I am concerned when he is around other adults that he will talk their ear off and then get his feelings hurt. It worries me. I really try not to be, but I verge on being hyper-vigilant when he is talking to others, especially adults. (his favorite people to interact with). They talk about how sweet he is, and kind. And yes, he is all of those things. But he's also annoying as hell.

I have talked with him about possible conversational approaches he could take. We have worked and role-played in order to figure out the give and take of conversations and how they can be approached. We discuss non-verbal cues that show you someone has grown weary of the interaction and is ready to move on. But he just doesn't get it. It absolutely isn't his fault, and I cannot blame him. It is the way he is wired. Lessons, especially social lessons, must be gone over in depth. We have to work out possible responses. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. He will talk to me, and we have a great talk about science, or the weather or whatever we are discussing. But as soon as he is around someone other than me or his father, it all goes out the window.

In his quest to enjoy someone else's company, to connect with them socially, he forgets everything we have discussed and goes to one of three subjects: Video games (namely the new Indy Wii game which he will describe for you, in detail all the way to the 7th level, if you let him.) What? You don't have quite that much time? Well, of course, my son won't figure that out...that's where I come in.

He also will discuss Lego, the rabbit from Monty Python (and no he has not seen the movie, just a few YouTube clips) and whatever he is into that month as well. Guaranteed to make your eyes glaze over and have you thinking to yourself, "Just look at the time!" But, give the kid a break, he really does try. And he wants to interact with you. He genuinely likes you and he is likable, too.

Here are a few suggestions to make it less painful for you both:

How to Interact With a Kid Who Has Autism

• 1. ask questions about things you are interested in. Get him to talk about what you want... lead the conversation. If he starts in on Indiana Jones, change the subject...make it something related. "Yes, Indy was a really cool movie, but what did you think of Wall-E?" "Really? What did you like about it?" If you steer the conversation, it will go more smoothly.
• 2. bring someone else into the conversation, and throw my son a bone...er, rather, a thread of conversation that he and the other person has in common. Once he is talking to the other person, escape! Yes, I am mostly kidding with this one! Besides, he would just catch you...

Tomorrow...Part 2

how about you? What works in your house? Talk about it the comments.

T, who hopes this helps you with autism

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Just to be safe the bomb squad is on speed-dial

JNerd: If your son asks you if he can have it, I already told him no.
Me: ::look:: What?
JNerd: C-4. He wanted C-4. So, just for the record, I already told him no.
Me: "!!"

T, who says time to slow down on the Mythbusters

Fun with Closed Captioning OR Yes, my son is..unique

click to embiggen

Life with kids is always interesting. We were watching Star Trek tonight and we needed to put the closed captioning on over the noise of the clothes dryer. It didn't work so well, as you can see.

Me: What?? What crazy person typed this?!
JBug: they need some serious spellcheck!
Me: This is not going to work! How can we hear what they are saying?
JBear: It’s ok, I can read it, I speak Idiot.
Me: “…”

T, who never knew my son was bilingual

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We didn't even have to smell anybody's feet!

I have always liked Halloween, I suppose it is the theatre diva in me. A holiday that let's me get all dressed up like somebody else? Gimme more a dat! So this year, I toyed with the idea of Sylvia Plath (who apparently liked to bake) and a Lolita Goth, but figured it would just freak out my already-freaked-by-Halloween daughters. (also? as a teen, do you really want your mom to dress as a goth? Few things are probably scarier than that..a real horror show) So I nixed that idea, poured myself a drink and just decided to go easy this year.

This is the first year that JBear came up with his own costume, completely. He did a good job, I think. He used what was around the house, and didn't ask me to buy anything. And Littles (JBean) decided to put a new twist on her costume. Of course it was a princess (it is always some variation, the little girly-girl fashionista, I guess) but this year, she was a "Warrior Princess Elf." Go JBean!

(this house had actual blue light, it was hard to get a good picture)

The kids were very polite, and there wasn't one autism moment all night. (Thank God!) There was a tiny bit of balking at the unknown haunted house (we went around it) but for the most part, JBean found she enjoyed herself, despite her earlier trepidation.

I even got into the act. As you can see, I had to defend my chocolate! Just tell me one thing? WHEN did it become ok to pass the bucket as a parent, in addition to the bucket your child is using?? I saw more moms, and some dressed up and trick or treated at my door! Gives new meaning to "tricks" now doesn't it? Don't they understand that as a parent, it is their job, nay, their duty to help their children dispose of their haul? In other words, eat your kids' candy, don't beg at my door for your own! What? You really cannot afford to buy your own Fun Size at Target?

Honestly, what is this world coming to?

T, who gave more treats than tricks this year

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Is Your Mama a Llama? Ask iPhoto

Image via CrunchBase

Dear Apple,

While you know I love you and love being in the middle of this torrid affair, I have a bone to pick with you. My husband, JNerd spent the day on Saturday setting me up on the latest Apple OS, Snow Leopard. Even the name is freakin' cool, I know, right? Compared to "Vista" I mean, come on? Which is sexier? Sleeker? Yeah, that's what I thought, too. It makes me a little bit hot. But. I am still miffed at you.

I have been waiting for some of the new features of Snow Leopard. It comes with updated versions of iLife, which is everything I use on a daily basis for my computer. Especially iPhoto. I love flickr and facebook integrated in my iPhoto, makes things easier. I especially was looking forward to the face recognition technology. The idea of not having to tag all of my photos was a pretty cool prospect. I know, it has a learning curve, and it has to learn my photos, but, I think it has a bit to go. It consistently missed my youngest daughter's face. But that's trainable, ok. But when it comes to my son? You have it ALL wrong. I present the following examples.

Here is a picture of JBear, with a llama.

Here is another picture of JBear, with a llama.

THIS is not, in fact a picture of JBear:

The name has been changed to protect the innocent, but you did, indeed, i.d. him as a llama. While it is true the child likes llamas, more than most people, he is in fact, a human being. His mama is NOT, nor has she ever been, a llama. It's like comparing streetcars to bicycles. Please make a note of it.

T, who still loves you

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A Walk With a Purpose (I would walk 500 miles...)

For the first time, my family and I participated in the March of Dimes March for Babies this weekend. We walked with Team Maddie and really felt part of something bigger than ourselves. Is it wrong to say we just about enjoyed it? My son walked the whole three miles with J and me, but JBean rode in the wagon all the way. It was a pretty easy walk. Heather and Mike Spohr lead the walk at the beginning, holding the banner for the entire March for Babies. Heather also spoke about Maddie, her prematurity and how instrumental the March of Dimes was in Maddie's treatment as a baby.

There isn't one picture of me there, but I assure you, I was. I tend to take the pictures, which always happens. There are so many events that I have no record of attending because I was busy behind the camera. I figure my children will grow up traumatized since I apparently was never around. Oh well, drop another quarter in the therapy jar...

It was an honor to walk for Team Maddie, and doubly so because JBean was a 31.4 week preemie, and spent 30 days in the NICU, so March of Dimes was a great place for us to be, too. My family agreed that we will make it an annual event, and start seeking out other walks for other causes as well.

These are just a few pictures. If you want to see them all, check out my flickr account.

T, who really WAS there

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Witty Title Not Forthcoming, Since I Was Stuck in Traffic and My Brain Turned To Mush

Asperger's, HFA, quirkiness, crazy-making behavior..whatever you want to call it...My son, the fruit of my loins, and paper in my birdcage, is not known for his patience. He wants everything now, now, now! This could be part of his Asperger's, or it could be that I am a crappy mom and have never taught him to delay gratification. I am going with the first one. I mean, I can delay my gratification all of.. let's see... I have not did just eat a molten chocolate lava cake while writing without sharing.. yeah, ok, I am a crappy mom. What' ya gonna do? Sue me?

Today I had to take my daughters to their aunt's house, about 25 minutes away. In rush hour traffic. Which, as anyone who lives in Orange County and drives camps cusses in traffic knows, is really get stuck at every freakin' red light, then crawl for 15 feet at a time traffic. The only rush is to stand still. My son does not endure inactivity well. He gets bored. And, when he is bored, he has to let everyone around him know it. So, let me set the scene:

I am driving, JBug is riding up front, JBean is behind me and JBear is behind her. Complaining. A lot. About the stupid traffic. Ad nauseum. And I stop for another red light, probably the 457,823rd red light on the route. And from behind me comes:

"Red light, you'd better move it.

"
::pause::

"I mean it, I have a bazooka."

(and just where did you get that, young man??)

At this point, I am snickering, because, well, I just am. But I am trying not to call attention to it, so he will hopefully continue.

The light stays stubbornly red.

"I have a bazooka and a hand grenade. Those can do much more damage than you'd think."

I am now biting my lip to keep from laughing out loud....

The light still doesn't turn green.

"If you pulled the pin on a hand grenade and covered yourself, you'd still die, it's not like the movies."

At that point, the light got the message and turned green. Lucky for the light, because I would hate to see what would happen when JBear pulled the bazooka out.

(and maybe I would want to borrow it...)

He is the master of the non-sequitur, this kid. He keeps me in stitches. (when I don't want to kill him...)

So the other day we were driving (shuddap, yeah, I know, driving...big surprise huh? Why in the hell they call it "homeschooling" I have no idea...I am always, always in the car) ..We were driving and my daughter commented on the new building for Karl Karcher Enterprises. AKA Carl's Jr/Hardee's... makers of those absolutely porny commercials for their food, which I won't link...want to see, google them. Now, not only am I not observant, I didn't know they were building. I am the one who drives by a gas station and JBear will comment, "Oh they painted the bench red at the gas station. It used to be green." And I will think..."there's a gas station here??" And yeah, I have passed it twice a day for 7 years. So?

In any case, we are talking about this building, not important, just chatting, when from behind me (it's always behind me) I hear:

"If they cloned Yoda and made him evil, the Jedi wouldn't stand a chance."
Me: ::Doubletake:::

WHAT? Where did that come from? Yes, that's right, The Master of the Non-Sequitur (or as I like to call it, the "WTH Moment")... strikes again.

I am absolutely never bored with my on-board entertainment

T, who carries a pad of paper in her purse in order to write this crap down

awesome Far Side reenactment photo from The Rocketeer, used under creative commons

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Lies, Lies, Lies, Yeah... (or help, my son won't tell the truth!)

Hey, there's a new post over at Sweet Schoolin' all about Teaching social skills and autism. Be sure to check it out...

Lately my son has been experimenting with creative truth-telling. Yes, it's a nice way to say he is lying his butt off. And it isn't like the things are that important. These exchanges are taking place with increasing frequency:

Me: Did you clean the cat box?

JBear: Yes, I cleaned the cat box, both the office and the bathroom. [earnest look on his face, not meeting my eyes, but then, with autism, he rarely meets my eyes]

[I check the box, it has not been cleaned]. Son, why did you tell me that you cleaned the litterbox when clearly you had not?

JBear: But I did. I cleaned it!

Me: JBear, I need the truth.

JBear: [scowling defiantly] I didn't clean it. I don't want to.

And then he goes and does whatever he was told to do in the first place. This can be anything from putting his clothes away, brushing his teeth, reading a book vs. playing Nintendo...

Now I know as a mother of a child with autism, I could be pleased by this latest development. Some idiots experts will tell you that a child with autism cannot lie. I present, exhibit #1: my son. And besides, being lied to is damned annoying. I want it to stop.

So I had a Come To Jesus talk with him today, and laid out some ground rules for him.

• You must try not to lie. A man/woman/person is only as good as his word, his honor is all he has. If he cannot be trusted, he will not have friends. (yes, some people hang out with other people who lie to them, but how do you ever know if they are telling you the truth?)


• Honor, meaning whether someone sees you as a person who is good and has integrity (can be trustworthy) will follow you the rest of your life.


• Character is who you are when no one is looking...do you take that cookie? Do you return that wallet?


• Your actions become your habits. If you continue to lie, it will become second-nature and you may not be able to stop.

There are such things as "social lies," and these can be complicated. But some situations are:

• If someone asks you if you like their haircut, I don't care if you think they look worse than a dog with it's butt shaved walking backwards. You do not get to say that to the person. It hurts feelings.


• You are not allowed to call your mother,"Old Lady," even if you do think 42 is old. There is a certain amount of respect that someone gets just for being older than you. Just because you think it doesn't mean you need to say it out loud. Engage your mouth filter.


• There are times you do not have to tell the whole truth to everyone, always. A bit is sufficient. People who call on the phone do not need to know your mother is in the bathroom, pooping.


• Sometimes it is kinder not to share the entire truth. You do not have the right to rub your intellect into others' faces, or make them feel small. Even if you really do know more about medieval weaponry than they do.


• If you think someone is an idiot, keep it to yourself. Fighting words can get you into a fight. Yes, there are many idiots out there, but believe it or not, few actually know they are idiots. That's why they are idiots. Do not believe you are doing anyone a favor by removing the blinders from their eyes. They won't believe you anyway.


• There are times it is easier to go along with what someone says, rather than argue them into the ground. Exceptions to this are when your values are compromised, laws are broken or you feel uncomfortable in any way. (refer back to when people are idiots)

We have a long way to go in the area of truth-telling, but I believe we have a start now. Now comes the repetition. Did I forget any social lies that he needs to know?

What's the craziest white lie you know of...either your own, or someone else's?

T, who is getting really frustrated with the lying

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Trick or Treat!

Happy Halloweeen!!

Frodo, Arwen and the Butterfly Fairy Princess say BOO!

J really likes to carve pumpkins, and he is good at it

Headless Horseman

Princess Jackie O' Lantern, drawn by JBean, carved by J.

Silly Face

Say

and Vote for

Nov 4th

Designs from Yes, We Carve blog...a brilliant idea.

What's your favorite candy?

T, who likes Kit Kats and Mounds bars

Technorati: Halloween, Obama, vote

They're Going To Take Away My Cool Mom Club Card

The kids when they were younger. JBear is around 6 here, all about Indy

I hate Indiana Jones.

This is a confession I cannot make to my son, who is obsessed with All Things Indy. Since the age of four, (he's nine now) when he donned the infamous Indy fedora bought on a summer trip to Disneyland (it has the Indiana Jones logo inside, and he wore that thing for two straight years) We actually went through three hats because he wore them OUT. Indiana Jones has been a strong interest that my son comes back to again and again.

One of the hallmarks of high-functioning autism or Asperger's is perseveration. Really, it's a 50¢ word for "all the subject, all the time." Even when the last thing you want to hear about is said subject- for the love of God and all things Holy! ...It still continues.

As I said, this particular obsession has been alive since my son found out about it in Kindergarten and honestly? a lifetime of red Kool-aid and twinkies for the child that let that cat out of the bag. And yes, his mother, too. Especially his mother...

In our house, we have Indy action figures, Indy computer games, Indy Wii. We have Indy Legos, an Indy Whip, hell we even have Indy cereal. We have numerous thrift-store-find Indy outfits. It's so bad that my son commandered my tan messenger bag because he thinks it makes him look more like the satchel-carrying Indy. That's right. My nine year old carries a murse. I'm so proud.

Ask a psychologist and he will say that perseveration serves a purpose. It holds the child's anxiety often, and gives him a go-to subject ripe for conversation. Ask me, and I'll tell you that it's damned annoying.

Don't get me wrong. When my then-four year old came home and made it All About Indy I was thrilled. How cute, a four year old who has a role model! I admit, I indulged his play. A lot. I bought him tan pants, and shirts that looked perfect for his adventures. We bought him the aforementioned fedora. He watched Raiders of the Lost Ark and later, The Last Crusade. (he didn't see Temple of Doom, it's a bit rough around the edges for kids) We bought him the G.I. Joe Indiana Jones figure.

My adventurer, out and about

When people admired his appearance, I loved it. And when he was chosen to be featured at the Sword in the Stone show at Disneyland because he looked like such a cool kid? (and of course, cool kids have hip moms) I preened. I even overlooked the fact that he had to wear tan pants, everyday, even all through the 90 degree Southern California summer. "Creative Expression," don't you know?

My son vacillates between various interests. They are almost always mass-market media-inspired. The characters he has glommed onto have been a changing array: Robin Hood, Captain Jack Sparrow (I put a stop to that when he "stole" my wallet out of my purse and then told me about it... when asked why? "What do you expect, I'm a pirate!") Frodo Baggins, Peter from Narnia , Link from the Nintendo game, Legend of Zelda....and of course, the one that started it all: Indiana Jones. Each of these phases requires various accoutrements such as outfits, accessories and of course, toys from the lines of Commercial Cash Cow and Put China On Top By Importing Cheap Poisonous Plastic Crap. It keeps us on our toes.

I thought we had put the Indy love to bed, because we hadn't seen much of the fedora or the toys in quite a while. And then, the newest movie was announced. My son picked up his Indy Interest with a vengeance. He talked constantly about the movie.

What did I think it would be like?(I don't know)
Would Indy be old? (yes)
Would he still have his whip? (probably)
Would there be scary parts like in Raiders? (some intense scenes, I imagine)
Will you buy me the Lego Indy stuff (save your allowance)
Will I get to see the movie soon (when it comes out son)
What will it be like? (ARGH..the sound of me choking on my tongue as my brain explodes)

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

He saw the movie opening night. He very much liked it. Shortly after that, we bought the Indiana Jones Lego Wii game. It is very entertaining, even if you are just watching it, highly recommend it, as an aside. The obsession came to a full rolling boil. He played the game. He talked about the game. He played the game. He talked about the movie. And the game. GAH! I was never so happy as when he finished the last level of that game.

Things seem to be settling down, now. He is still crazy about Indy, and he will corner anyone to tell them so. But there are signs that Indy may have run it's course this cycle and there is an inkling that change is on the horizon. My son created a level in his Nintendo game after this particular interest. What's that? The newest interest? The one that with just a small nudge from me if I'm not careful, will become a monster on a feeding frenzy? Star Trek. Yes, you heard me right. my son is becoming a geek. I suppose it isn't surprising given his genetics.

But...but...Star Trek??

God help us all.

How about you? What you are sick of?

T, who figures she will be assimilated

Technorati: Indiana_Jones, Indy, kids, obsession hobby boys

SOMEONE Is Messing With My Son, And There She Is!

People always ask me why I started homeschooling. The short answer is that it was best for my family. The long answer is a lot of stories like the following. Before you jump all over me, understand that I don't paint with a broad brush. There are good autism professionals out there, some might be in your district. That's great! This is my experience...

"No, no, no! Let me Go! Please!" I knew that voice: it was my son. And he was being hurt. I quickened my steps, breaking into a run on the way to his classroom. He needed me, and I would be there. It had been a long journey. Earlier in the year, my son was diagnosed with high-functioning autism. and we were all on edge- He wasn't handling life in the classroom well; he wouldn't attend to his schoolwork, and he wasn't socializing well with his classmates. He had a history of eloping from the classroom which means run the hell out and off campus or just withdrawing under a desk, refusing to engage.

So when I rounded the corner, I had no idea what was in store for me. I ripped open the door and entered the classroom. My eyes immediately went to his teacher, who was sitting in a rocking chair, reading a story to her class. Or rather, that is what she had been doing , before. Now, the book hung in midair and she looked like a deer in the headlights. I followed her gaze and my eyes went straight to my son, who was standing at his desk. But he wasn't alone. There was a woman towering over him, with her arms wrapped around his small, skinny wrists, and he was struggling to break free. She was wrestling my son! Tears were flowing down his face and his voice held a note of panic: "Please, let go let go Please! Ow ow You're HURTING me!" Now, I know there are times that kids need correction but there is never a time to put your hands on my kid. He saw me and yelled, Momma" with all the fear and desperation that you hope that cry will never hold. That's when Mama Bear took over.

"I don't know WHO you are, but my son has autism," this is the first time I had really said this out loud to anyone "and you leave him alone!" She looked at me calmly and said, "I know, I'm the Autism Coordinator." the hell you say?! Is this your normal modus operandi? And I don't know what came over me, because I am not eloquent under pressure, ever. I tend to cry instead, much to my embarrassment.

"Well, then, you know he doesn't like to be touched. Get your hands off him immediately! Can't you tell he is terrified? Did you even READ his file?" She dropped his hands and he rushed towards me, crumpling into my arms, sobbing. I saw red. I comforted my son as best I could. (remember, there is still a teacher trying to teach class amidst this commotion!) Once he was reasonably calmed, I asked to speak to the "Autism Coordinator" outside.

She was extremely apologetic, she knew she was wrong. She ran her hand through her hair. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, it got out of hand. He, didn't want to work with me, I insisted, he dumped the game on the floor. I wanted him to clean it up, so I took hold of his hands, doing hand-over-hand to try to get him to comply. I'm sorry you're upset." "UPSET?" I took no quarter. "You realize that my son will never let you near him again? He has a a very large heart, but if you hurt or betray him, you are done. He won't give you another chance. Did you even read his IEP before you showed up to work with him? He does not respond well to the 3-Step Prompt! He will shut down on you! He is too smart for that, you know it is usually used for kids who are lower-functioning! What were you thinking? What makes you think it is okay to put your hands on a child, especially one you don't know?" I took a breath, trying to calm myself. I am, by nature, a non-violent pacifist. I wanted to hit this woman! She was around my age, and was the expert? She should know better! She spoke: "I just put my hands over his hands to guide in clean up. He freaked out. It got out of hand, I'm sorry." She truly seemed to be. Or, maybe she was worried I was calling my attorney to file litigation.

I get how difficult autism can be. It is unpredictable. It is messy. It doesn't do what it is told. The approach has to change for each child. But with my son, respect is yours, as is devotion, until you show him disrespect. Part of the Autism Spectrum is a very black and white thinking, and little shades of grey. You are either a good or bad person, you are a threat or you are a friend. And, back then, at age 6, he wasn't able to distinguish the difference. over the years, he has learned a bit more of the subtleties of life, and with a lot of work is able to distinguish between bad people and bad decisions. If the "Autism Coordinator" had just done her homework on my son? Perhaps reading his IEP as she was rushing from school to school? The whole situation might have been avoided. My son still remembers, and it was four years ago.

Oh, and lest you think I overreacted about my son, his teacher later told me, "I felt like I was witnessing abuse."

So, a message to those who work with our kids on the spectrum: take the time to get to know them. They are people, not paper or projects. They are more than "Reinforcers" and "Behavioral Process Analysis." They are, first and foremost, children. Treat them the way you want to be treated. You might get better results that way. You will certainly have less irate mothers with which to deal.

T, who will always defend my kids

Technorati: autism, Aspergers, high_functioning_autism, HFA school

How To Talk To Someone With Autism Without Pulling Out Your Hair (Or Theirs!)

Coming Soon To a Plane (or Theatre) Near You

The biggest hurdle that we face with my son's autism is that he looks so normal. There is an expectation for his behavior that sometimes he just flat cannot meet. But you can't see what is wrong with him at first glance. He isn't in a wheel chair. He hasn't lost his sight. Most of the time, he hears what you say. But he has a disability. I hate calling it that, but that is what it is. Yes, he has autism. That's not the disability, though. His disability, you ask? Peoples' attitudes. Judgmental women at the grocery store, and anyone who thinks he "should" know how to behave and that he is just the product of over-indulgent parents.

He deals with the attitudes of other children. Kids can be, if not cruel, just not understanding. They think he is weird. He talks funny, with more of a drone than other kids. Sometimes, especially when he is excited, he doesn't enunciate well. His topics go on and on. Frankly, many of his peers don't know what to do with him. It's hard. But you know what? He exists. He has a right to live a full life. I am not going to keep him at home because he might be a little strange in his talk about movie characters. He needs to learn how to interact with others, and some need to learn to be more tolerant. They can help each other.

The hardest thing for me to watch as a mother is to watch my son struggling socially to fit in. He tries so hard, is very gregarious, wants to engage people and interact. He just... isn't very good at it. Autism isn't a very good friend. Granted, I would imagine I am more tuned into his social gaffes than others may be. In fact, others seem to enjoy him. I am concerned when he is around other adults that he will talk their ear off and then get his feelings hurt. It worries me. I really try not to be, but I verge on being hyper-vigilant when he is talking to others, especially adults. (his favorite people to interact with). They talk about how sweet he is, and kind. And yes, he is all of those things. But he's also annoying as hell.

I have talked with him about possible conversational approaches he could take. We have worked and role-played in order to figure out the give and take of conversations and how they can be approached. We discuss non-verbal cues that show you someone has grown weary of the interaction and is ready to move on. But he just doesn't get it. It absolutely isn't his fault, and I cannot blame him. It is the way he is wired. Lessons, especially social lessons, must be gone over in depth. We have to work out possible responses. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. He will talk to me, and we have a great talk about science, or the weather or whatever we are discussing. But as soon as he is around someone other than me or his father, it all goes out the window.

In his quest to enjoy someone else's company, to connect with them socially, he forgets everything we have discussed and goes to one of three subjects: Video games (namely the new Indy Wii game which he will describe for you, in detail all the way to the 7th level, if you let him.) What? You don't have quite that much time? Well, of course, my son won't figure that out...that's where I come in.

He also will discuss Lego, the rabbit from Monty Python (and no he has not seen the movie, just a few YouTube clips) and whatever he is into that month as well. Guaranteed to make your eyes glaze over and have you thinking to yourself, "Just look at the time!" But, give the kid a break, he really does try. And he wants to interact with you. He genuinely likes you and he is likable, too.

Here are a few suggestions to make it less painful for you both:

How to Interact With a Kid Who Has Autism

• 1. ask questions about things you are interested in. Get him to talk about what you want... lead the conversation. If he starts in on Indiana Jones, change the subject...make it something related. "Yes, Indy was a really cool movie, but what did you think of Wall-E?" "Really? What did you like about it?" If you steer the conversation, it will go more smoothly.
• 2. bring someone else into the conversation, and throw my son a bone...er, rather, a thread of conversation that he and the other person has in common. Once he is talking to the other person, escape! Yes, I am mostly kidding with this one! Besides, he would just catch you...

Tomorrow...Part 2

T, who hopes this helps you with autism

Technorati: autism, high_functioning_autism, Aspergers

The Living Camera

This never ceases to amaze me. JBear has incredible recall, as well. Not quite like this, but definitely better than mine. I can ask him what has changed (because I can often tell things change when I see it, but not what exactly it is that is different) and he can say, "Oh that bench was green a week ago." Bizarre. And yet, I cannot tell him a sequence of letters to spell and have him hold them in his head. Weird how the brain works. He can figure out what direction we are going with no problem. But ask him to spell "silver" and not only can he not do it, I have to repeat the letter combinations three times. Of course, that could also be the dyslexia, too...

T, who wishes I understood more about autism

Technorati: autism, kids