This is not a list of New Year's Resolutions

I hate New Year's Resolutions. Who actually keeps those resolutions, anyway? When I was younger, I would make myself promises and pretend I would keep them. I would finally start going to the gym every other day. I would spend my money more wisely. I did well, until around March. Then I would start slacking off. I didn't mean to do so, but I just didn't stick with it. It always started with just little things at first. I would miss that day at the gym, and promise myself I would be back with the program the next day. But once the commitment was broken, it was that much easier to just let it go. So I stopped the resolutions. But I have thought about it, and there are some commitments that just need to be kept.

I am not sure I have told you all this (yes I have) but I am a bit domestically challenged. I was meant for bigger things, I guess. I am busy writing and being fabulous and get distracted when it comes to keeping my home. (It's not like I can trade it in, let's be honest here). So, looking around, I realized a couple of things. First, my house is a mess. Second, my parents come to housesit and watch the kids in just a bit over 2 weeks. I have to get my butt in gear. I really lag in the organizational department. It is easy for me to get addled and… look! Squirrel! The following is a list of some things I need to deal with in the coming months, I guess. If I feel like it.

I promise to pay more attention to my children this year. It's the little things. My youngest went to Christmas dinner with family with feet that were dirtier than a hobbit. Nobody saw them, they were in socks and shoes. But they were very disgusting. I have no idea how her feet got that dirty. I guess I need to make sure she bathes more often. It isn't that I am lazy. I swear. And my kids aren't being ignored. I am so busy keeping psychological order in my house that some things fall apart. My only excuse is that Christmas preparations made me overlook a small thing like a bath. What? They eat. What more do you want from me?

Ok, another thing: I guess we need to eat at home more. These last couple of months, I really took the easy way out. Besides being expensive, going out to dinner isn't that healthy. Fast food is crap. Yes, I am fundamentally lazy, and don't really like to cook, but I am not Oprah. I cannot afford a personal chef. This cooking gig falls to me. So time to get off my butt and make sure my family eats well. I am so busy writing and doing things that are Important (What? those Rabbids NEED to be pimped!) I forget people need to eat, I guess. Doesn't help when no matter what I fix I get, "Hmmph. I'm not EATING!" from the littlest one. Kind of kills any desire to experiment in the kitchen.

And yeah, I imagine my house needs a bit of a cleaning. Or something. It is just frustrating, every time I clean it gets dirty again. I think that the Messy House Fairies live here and come out when we are sleeping. You've seen Pigpen, from the Peanuts comic strip? He takes a bath, and gets dirty just walking? I go to bed with the house clean and wake up to find things everywhere. The principle of entropy states that all things are hurdling headlong towards chaos, naturally. My house is a great example of that.

I feel like Genghis Khan trying to force people into indentured servitude if I ask my children to lend a hand. So rather than fight the complaining, I do it myself. And there is only so much of me going around. So walk around that toy, I don't care. Mama needs a drink. If you trip over it, pick it up. Someone wise once said cleaning house while the kids are awake is like stringing beads with no knot on the end. I am certain she was a mother. And she probably drank.

And while we are on the subject of messy, there's the car. We don't live in our car, but it sure looks like it. I have a rule, if you bring something to the car, you must take it out. It doesn't fly. Most of the time, it cannot walk its way out of the car, it needs help to get back to its rightful place. I get distracted, they ignore it and we are back to "the car should be parked at a rest stop cause we are camping in it" look. It takes more energy than I have trying to stay on top of it.

I will throw out all of those socks. (oh shut up, you have them, too!) I have a box of socks in the closet with no mates. I think there might even be some infant socks in there. I am loathe to throw them out, because I know as soon as I do I will find the mates. What do you do with mismatched socks? When the kids were younger, we make sock puppets and called it "crafting." (I am still trying to figure out what to do with the dryer lint). Oh, yeah. I will also keep up with the laundry. Also known as: that stuff I fold and then it gets thrown back in the hamper by the teenager without even the courtesy of unfolding it.

I will get on top of the paper this year. I am drowning in bills, junk mail, solicitations, coupons… they just keep coming. No sooner do I get rid of one crop, another pile springs up.  It's like an evil hydra of information. I get over 4 bundles of direct mail ads a week, not counting catalogs, bills, and the various normal mailings. I would burn the damn house down to get out from under them. But we had a house fire three years ago. I know I don't want to go through that again! I pay all of the bills online, but cannot allow myself to stop the paper bills. What if I forget to pay something? And the Bill Police show up at my door? And take out an ad in the newspaper and then no one will sell us anything like food and stuff? And then we wind up homeless? (Yes, this keeps me up at night..I think a lot).

So I have a couple of bags of miscellaneous papers in my closet. I figure if they sit there for a while, once they are all outdated, I can just go throw it all in the recycling bin. (after shredding it, of course). While I am on the subject, who asked for all this suck-ass circular junk mail crap? Direct mail campaigns are so wrong. I didn't order it, I don't want it. Save the cost and save the trees. Save me the aggravation. Don't send it. I get that everyone needs a job, but does it have to be rubber-banding paper for the local Chinese restaurant and tree surgeon on my door when I am not home? This stuff makes me want to kill someone.

I will go to bed at a decent hour. I am nocturnal, and always think if I go to bed, I am missing out on the 24 hour party that is going on without me. It isn't necessarily about the Internet. It can be TV, a good book, even loading the dishwasher. My favorite time is when I am the only one awake. The house is quiet, the cats are relaxed. And I am wide awake. It makes it really hard to go to bed. But then I am tired the next day, and all of the above things seem like a mountain I don't want to climb. Unless there is chocolate at the summit.

Looking at this list, you might ask what I have to offer, if it isn't my immaculate house and chef-like cooking skills. Why, life is a party around here! My stellar wit and winning personality are all my family will ever need. That, and when the mood strikes, I give killer hugs.

T, who is ON It