Sunday, July 02, 2006

It's not just a song, it's terror

I lost. Seriously, I ran, screaming from the room. But perhaps I should back up, since I am coming in in the middle of my story. I have this Thing "thing" here meaning: phobia with a capital AAAUGH!" I am so petrified by the thing I fear that its name must not be mentioned in our home. We refer only to this marauder as "the C word." Think: similar to the evil wizard in Harry Potter, "He who must not be named."

We have taken great steps to stay completely free of said invader. But we live in Southern California, and there are the rare times (last time was 4 years ago) when a wandering "C word" finds its way into an open door, squeezes under a screen... they are quite resourceful. To tell you how much I fear these loathsome things, you need to understand that I hate shoes. And it is very common for me to run out to the van to retrieve something without them on. But I do not do this after dark in the summer months. I am terrified that I may run into something I don't want to deal with. If I have to go outside, I wear closed-toe shoes, and I don't bring a flashlight. I run to the car, and run right back. It is similar when a kid has to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. They high-tail it to the bathroom, go and then run like the wind and jump back into bed, eyes squinched shut against the darkness.

So, now that you understand the depth of my fear (I may at some later date go into exactly why I have such terror in the face of these monsters, but not today) I am ready to tell you my story. You will have to use your imagination, because though I usually provide pictures in my posts, there is no way that I am googling for pictures of the vile creatures! In any case, here we go.

Del Taco here sells egg burritos after 11 p.m. So J decided to go and get us a couple. Del Taco is just down the street, the kids were sleeping, no problem. I decided to take a shower while he was gone. After all, what is better than a cool shower after a really hot day? Perfect way to end my evening. Or so I thought. if you are keeping track, here is where you insert the ominous music.

Things started out fine. I started the water, took off my glasses (proves to be pivotal in my story) washed my hair, enjoyed my shower. Lather, rinse, repeat. I conditioned my hair, and soaped up with my shower gel. I was facing the showerhead and happened to notice there was some cobweb on the ceiling. Hmm, I will have to clean that up. Getting ready to rinse my hair now... and I saw the dark spot of cobweb/dirt just above the tile, just at the edge about the same height as the showerhead. There, in the corner, what is that? It is higher than I am, so I wouldn't really notice it very well. It was about 2 inches long or so... What is that? I leaned a little bit closer, because I couldn't make out detalis. Remember, I wear glasses. And.. it moved. And that's when it hit me what it was! .

Let me just tell you, I move fast! Lance Armstrong on his bicycle couldn't have beat me out of that bathroom. I didn't even stop to turn off the shower. I high-tailed it out of there, stopping long enough to grab a towel..

When J came home, he found me, in the middle of the kitchen, standing on the stepstool. Clad in only a towel, I was wet and dripping, conditioner still in my hair, and the remnants of soap drying on my skin. I was shaking and sobbing. I know, it sounds funny now. Last night, it really wasn't. Wonderful man that he is, he immobilized the beast with a shot of shaving gel. Then he was able to get rid of it..

Trust me, I know I have nothing to fear. I know it is completely irrational. I am a big person. It is a small bug. BUT. My biggest fear has been that I would be somewhere I felt helpless and would be confronted with "the C word." And last night, that happened. And to think, I had my back turned, rinsing my hair, and it was there, all that time!! Makes me want to throw up..

I have learned the following things from this experience:

  • 1. make sure to check the shower stall thoroughly before I get in.
  • 2. a can of shaving gel will now sit permanently in our shower.
  • 3. I am damn fast, and could win a sprint if one of those was chasing me.
  • 4. I married the right guy
  • And finally,
  • 5. don't tell this story to your kids and expect them not to laugh at you.
  • I mean really, admit it, you are laughing at my expense too, right? I would be laughing if I was you. So, go ahead and laugh. Eventually, I might also snicker a tiny bit. If I am holding a can of shaving gel. Just in case.

    T, who swears if I see another one, I am moving out

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    4 sent chocolate:

    Mama Duck said...

    Oh my goodness, I did laugh, but only because that is exactly what I would have done. You know what you need, is some roach spray, you can hit them from across the room and kill them. Thankfully we don't have many of them in our new house, but our last place was an apartment with lots of open areas under the cabinets and such, so they were around almost every day, creepy!

    Glamorous Redneck said...

    I'm right there with you. But the suspense is killing me! I must know what the "C word" is. I can't figure it out for the life of me. I thought it was maybe cobwebs, but then you wrote the word and didn't seem too bothered by it, so I'm stumped. Give us some clues, huh? If you can stand it. :)

    Scone said...

    For heaven's sake, don't move to Hawaii; those things are everywhere, and they come in all shapes and sizes. YEeeeeechhhh!! I don't know how many times I had to scold my geckos for not eating them, the little punks.

    TLC said...

    Duck Duck: I thought about poison, but the smell gives me a headache. Believe me, at that point I would have liked to have it there! Also, old Aqua Net hairspray works wonderfully for immobilizing black widows.

    glamorous: I emailed you with the word. Suffice it to say it is a bug. with 6 legs. Comes in a few different species, and is thought of as around if you are a messy housekeeper or don't put your food away. They are seriously gross. I can't even type the word, but it rhymes with clock-coach.

    scone: ok, best arguement I have heard from staying out of Hawaii! I really wanted to go there, too. ;o0

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