Help, My Son Won't tell the TRUTH! (and yes, I CAN handle it)

Tuesdays are flashback days around here...which is really just an excuse for recycling a post you might not have seen. This week's post is about my son and the stage he went through with lying. Thankfully, it was short-lived, but at the time? I thought I would lose my mind.

Lately my son has been experimenting with creative truth-telling. Yes, it's a nice way to say he is lying his butt off. And it isn't like the things are that important. These exchanges are taking place with increasing frequency:

Me: Did you clean the cat box?

JBear: Yes, I cleaned the cat box, both the office and the bathroom. [earnest look on his face, not meeting my eyes, but then, with autism, he rarely meets my eyes]

[I check the box, it has not been cleaned]. Son, why did you tell me that you cleaned the litterbox when clearly you had not?

JBear: But I did. I cleaned it!

Me: JBear, I need the truth.

JBear: [scowling defiantly] I didn't clean it. I don't want to.

And then he goes and does whatever he was told to do in the first place. This can be anything from putting his clothes away, brushing his teeth, reading a book vs. playing Nintendo...

Now I know as a mother of a child with autism, I could be pleased by this latest development. Some idiots experts will tell you that a child with autism cannot lie. I present, exhibit #1: my son. And besides, being lied to is damned annoying. I want it to stop.

So I had a Come To Jesus talk with him today, and laid out some ground rules for him.

* You must try not to lie. A man/woman/person is only as good as his word, his honor is all he has. If he cannot be trusted, he will not have friends. (yes, some people hang out with other people who lie to them, but how do you ever know if they are telling you the truth?)

* Honor, meaning whether someone sees you as a person who is good and has integrity (can be trustworthy) will follow you the rest of your life.

* Character is who you are when no one is looking...do you take that cookie? Do you return that wallet?

* Your actions become your habits. If you continue to lie, it will become second-nature and you may not be able to stop.

There are such things as "social lies," and these can be complicated. But some situations are:

* If someone asks you if you like their haircut, I don't care if you think they look worse than a dog with it's butt shaved walking backwards. You do not get to say that to the person. It hurts feelings.

* You are not allowed to call your mother,"Old Lady," even if you do think 42 is old. There is a certain amount of respect that someone gets just for being older than you. Just because you think it doesn't mean you need to say it out loud. Engage your mouth filter.

* There are times you do not have to tell the whole truth to everyone, always. A bit is sufficient. People who call on the phone do not need to know your mother is in the bathroom, pooping.

* Sometimes it is kinder not to share the entire truth. You do not have the right to rub your intellect into others' faces, or make them feel small. Even if you really do know more about medieval weaponry than they do. /

* If you think someone is an idiot, keep it to yourself. Fighting words can get you into a fight. Yes, there are many idiots out there, but believe it or not, few actually know they are idiots. That's why they are idiots. Do not believe you are doing anyone a favor by removing the blinders from their eyes. They won't believe you anyway.

* There are times it is easier to go along with what someone says, rather than argue them into the ground. Exceptions to this are when your values are compromised, laws are broken or you feel uncomfortable in any way. (refer back to when people are idiots)

We have a long way to go in the area of truth-telling, but I believe we have a start now. Now comes the repetition. Did I forget any social lies that he needs to know?

What's the craziest white lie you know of...either your own, or someone else's?

This is why I didn't post today

You'll all come to my funeral, right? I might need that...

T, who slept all day and still feels crummy

After All, Tomorrow is...Another Day! (dammit)

Some days it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. You've heard that one before, but reallly. I am ready to check myself into the Hat Factory, just for some rest.

We had a bang-on couple of days here.

• I had food poisoning that knocked me out of the running for Mom o Da Year for two days straight. I mean it kicked my ass


• JNerd's car pooped out and it was an adventure having it towed to the garage, where it still sits.


• In a show of stellar parenting, I started the day by berating my oldest daughter for freezing up in a situation I thought she should be able to handle. In my defense, the tears started before I yelled at her. But yes, I felt like an flea on an amoeba. Maybe lower.


• I sat holding JBean's hand in the bathroom so she could "go" and when that proved unfruitful, had to administer,"poo poo medicine" and you haven't lived until you have put your hands where things are supposed to only come out. Very icky and the tears, and drama, oh! Not fun for either of us, but the endeavor was successful, eventually


• I forgot to pick up JBean's costume at the cleaners (where it is being altered) for her gala performance that I thought was next week, but is actually Sunday, and the Dress Rehearsal is tomorrow, at 10 am. And when did I remember this, pray tell? At ONE A.M. on Friday night/Saturday morning! Thank GOD the cleaners is open at 9 and the theatre is only 10 minutes from my house!


• JNerd will once again soon be out of a job which just sucks


• once again my writing genius was overlooked in a key way. I know I am in good company, but there are times I just get tired.


• residents have come to live with us, new pets: Porcupine, Monkey, Squirrel. Prickly, jumpy and non-attentive critters, otherwise known as PMS... which both my lovely daughter and I get to deal with...together. God must laugh and laugh at us. PMS sucks, thankuverymuch. Shuddap. what do you mean put this knife down?? You don't love me anymore!!! Ack, what the hell is wrong with meeeeee? PMS. Oh, that.

Not a good day.

T, who is going to bed now

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He left me, and it wasn't a midnight train to Georgia

See this?

I don't have one (which is my own danged fault, I just didn't "get around to it"...too busy with the tyranny of the urgent. I mean, it's not like I want to spend time taxiing, cleaning, fretting, feeding instead of standing in line at the post office to get a passport...) so my husband, the paper in my birdcage, pepperoni on my pizza, hopped a plane,trying to be suitably contrite, alone and went here:

without me, for a computer convention...for a week

leaving me with these

on my own...for a week

and ready for this? he won't be back until evening on Mother's Day!

that's right, he is missing Mother's Day, completely. I have already called a do over, because? Yeah.

AND? he better get me something realllly good for our anniversary (the big 2-0) later this summer.

are you reading this, honey? Remember when you went to France and brought home a magnet for me? So do I! We aren't talking magnets here...no repeats! Put up, or shut up, right? (and have fun!)

T, who gets Mom o' the Year FTW

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Maybe I Don't Like Alphabet Soup So Much

More Letters to Add to the Soup?

Lord knows, I do not go around collecting letters to put after my childrens' names. I don't have Munchausen Syndrome by proxy. And really? We have enough letters, such as: ASD, HFA, GAD, ADD,BPD,OCD, Dyslexia... See? But today, I recognized what JBean has been doing, and the "label" is scarier, really, than the reality. Still, it has to be addressed.

JBean is 7 years old. She has been diagnosed with "Autistic Disorder" but is very highly functioning. I believe her actual diagnosis would be Asperger Syndrome, like her brother. She is an infinitely-serious child. Most of the time, her voice is a sing-song almost-baby voice; this is true at home and outside the home as well. She is small for her age, with large, deep light green eyes and elfin features. I have been told she is adorable. She needs speech therapy, because her speech is difficult to understand. We tried regular therapy last year, but she really wouldn't interact with the therapist.

JBean, though she likes people, doesn't speak in public much. This is especially true if the situation is at all anxiety-producing for her, like a doctor or a teacher, or a new situation that she doesn't know. Up until now, I just figured she was slow-to-warm, like her older sister was at her age. She would grow out of it, like her sister. Turns out, maybe JBug also was dealing with the same issues, just not to the degree that JBean seems to show.

With a quiet, obedient child it is easy to overlook their silence. I am wondering if this is what is happening with her. At Sunday School, I suspect she is getting lost int he crowd. She doesn't go to public school, so this is not a stressor for her. She speaks a ton at home, and apparently this is normal: home is not a difficult place; it is mostly a safe place. She does tend to freeze up and become completely uncommunicative when she is upset or doesn't know what to do. This behavior extends to home as well. Frustration tantrums can result. I figured she just needed help with self-regulation, and that is part of it. But there seems to be more.

I sub to an Aspergers e-newsletter that isn't really very good, but once in a while has something that is informative. Today was that day. It was an article on Selective Mutism. Though not in-depth, it piqued my curiosity so I did some research.

From the Selective Mutism Center website:

Selective Mutism is a complex childhood anxiety disorder characterized by a child’s inability to speak and communicate effectively in select social settings, such as school. These children are able to speak and communicate in settings where they are comfortable, secure and relaxed.

More than 90% of children with Selective Mutism also have social phobia or social anxiety. This disorder is quite debilitating and painful to the child. Children and adolescents with Selective Mutism have an actual FEAR of speaking and of social interactions where there is an expectation to speak and communicate.

Many children with Selective Mutism have great difficulty responding or initiating communication in a nonverbal manner; therefore social engagement may be compromised in many children when confronted by others or in a setting that is overwhelming or they sense a feeling of expectation.

...Some children (20-30%) with Selective Mutism have subtle speech and/or language abnormalities such as receptive and/or expressive language abnormalities and language delays. Some may have subtle learning disabilities including auditory processing disorder. In most of these cases, the children have inhibited temperaments (prone to shyness and anxiety). The added stress of the speech/language disorder learning disability, or processing disorder may cause the child to feel that much more anxious and perhaps insecure or uncomfortable in situations where there is an expectation to speak.

And this definition is JBean to a T. Guess it is time to seek some therapy and get off my butt and coordinate speech help as well.

:::sigh::: She didn't need to go to college, right? I hope not, because I am spending the college fund on braces and therapy for my children.

T, who says we never should have procreated...we really had some bad gene combos

>What are you spending your childrens' college money (or your retirement!) on?

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