Sunday, November 30, 2008

Wit is Just Sarcasm in a Prettier Dress

I used to be a writer. Really, I did. I came here every day and wrote something, and edited it, and hit publish. I would see it there in print and I was a writer. But lately, besides being busy (because isn't that always a great excuse) I have sort of been avoiding the writing. I know, you want to know why. Here's the bottom line:

I think too much.

No really, I do. I don't do feelings. Sure, I feel a smidgen of frustration, or joy, but I go past the negative emotions, preferring to dissect them in my head. I write about them, process them and whittle them down to the size of an ant. Then I stomp on them. But they get killed before I ever feel them. That used to work, but now I am more aware that I have those feelings, and well, they have to go somewhere. Where they go is anxiety and irritability, and I am tired of feeling tired.

So I have been writing less, and making myself feel the emotions instead of analyzing them, by writing about them. I know it sounds crazy, but it really makes a difference for me. I don't say, "What do I think about that?" any longer. Now I ask myself, "How do I feel about that?"

Thinking and analyzing emotions aren't the same as actually feeling them. And they bottle up, coming out sideways. It makes me a terrible mother, because the only way to deal with the stress I am under every single day is to numb out. And it took me a long time to realize I do that...because I DO feel something. But mostly, I feel anger. And for the most part, that anger is unexpressed. And I have realized that the knot in my stomach, my shoulders and my neck is just repressed feelings: powerlessness, disappointment, fear. And, because those aren't powerful emotions, I let the anger coat it like armor. It feels safer.

Sarcasm is an ego defense. It is a way to deny what is going on around you. Keep it at arms' length. Makes it safe. And Wit is just Sarcasm with a college degree.

Let's get this straight. I am absolutely not quitting. I am still writing, still blogging, still around. I am just around...less. As I journey through this new territory, I just have less energy to create. But I fully expect that once I have come far enough, it can only improve my writing. So I will be posting, just not every day. Know I still love you all, and still read your blogs. I just don't have the time to comment as much as I did before.

In the mean time, I recommend the new Wally Lamb book, In the Hour I First Believed. It is very good, as good as I Know This Much is True.

T, who feels....yeah.

5 sent chocolate:

Mel @ A Box of Chocolates said...

I saw you on Twitter this morning and was wondering where you have been. Now I know. Write when you can and I'll be here to read...you're in my reader! Happy Sunday.

2TooManyHats said...

Hugs T! Big step here and I wish you all the best as you feel your feelings. See you tomorrow.

Dana said...

I think that if we stuff our feelings down too much, eventually like a Volcano, they flow like lava. I've done this too many times to count and for me, personally, it's not healthy.

But I think everyone is different, and we have to feel our feelings in our own way, when the time is right, in the best method for us.

Hang in there. It will work itself out. Just keep writing. :)

Hana Njau-Okolo said...

Found you through Entrecard. Great post and I think you are on to something. According to Ralph Keyes, The Courage to Write (I spent Thanksgiving reading it) a writer's secret weapon is the untapped emotion within - the anger, anxiety, fear!

Keep writing.

DLS5 said...

Hey T! You are a brave soul, you know. That feeling stuff ain't for the weak hearted!

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