It's up to us: what will we do about bullying?

Today's post was written by my 16 year old daughter. Please read it, I think she has something important to say. xoxo T.

Tyler Clementi.

Asher Brown.

Seth Walsh.

Justin Aaberg.

Raymond Chase.

William (Billy) Lucas.

You might not have heard these names. These are all boys who committed suicide in the last few months after being bullied due to their sexual orientation. Who knows what they felt? Alone, ostracized? Like life wasn't worth living. Like they didn't matter? Their acts of desperation could have gone unnoticed. Thing is, we saw. The internet saw. First one, then another, then hundreds, then thousands of people took a stand. In their own way, everyone said that these boys…and so many like them…matter.

Then, the internet spoke. (Well, it didn't really. It's inanimate. Go with me here, I'm making a point.)

It started with an idea.

Social media spread the idea to quite literally thousands of people.

The idea was simple: wear purple (the color of spirit on the LGBTQ flag) on October 20, 2010 in memory of those boys, and for all the other kids out there who may feel the same way.

So today, I wore purple. To my surprise, there were other kids in my (conservative Christian) class who wore purple. Not to mention the thousands of people all around the world. Teachers, parents, talk show hosts. We took a stand against bullying, against the idea that what happened to these boys was okay.

Bullying is common now. Before, insults were thrown in front of a class, maybe twenty people. Now, cyber bullying is the norm. Hateful anonymous comments, bringing down the person in front of everyone on the internet...whole schools. But kids will be kids, right? They need to suck it up. Learn to ignore it. A common answer to the problem, and not a solution.

But you know what?

I think it's going to be my generation that changes it. We know social media. Some of us communicate mostly through email, facebook and texting. We get how to make a difference. And we do. My generation will be the one that steps up and says it isn't okay.

It isn't okay to make fun of someone. To discriminate based on age, or race, or sexual orientation or disability or intelligence or anything else.

It isn't okay to have an Us vs. Them mentality.

It isn't okay to talk about how loving God is and then hate anyone who is different.

It isn't okay.

And when that happens, when we step up…it will change.

In 1983, D.A.R.E (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) was founded. It has changed lives. Imagine what it could be like if there was a similar approach to bullying. In one generation, D.A.R.E made drugs uncool. Nearly every school age kid knows what the red ribbon means. If something similar could be accomplished for bullying...imagine what could happen.

Hate is learned and we need to lead by example. The things we learn in kindergarten can affect the rest of our lives. If we start from the bottom and work up, we can change hearts. If we could show from the beginning that bullying isn't okay...just imagine it.

If we change the mindset behind bullying, imagine how drastically different our world might be.

It's going to start with us.

Now, don't just imagine it. Let's make it a reality.

fun with pi (Pie?)

This is one of my favorite videos...and pretty much what being owned by a cat is like:

My children love this, and adopted the finger pointing to mouth with the plaintive "MROW?" as the universal sign around here for, "Hey, I need something to eat!" It gets my attention and they think it's cute. (it is, but shhh!)

So, with that in mind, last night, my daughter, JBug, who is pretty tech-savvy, sent me this through my IM:

So I responded with a link to this:

Yes, we are geeks. What of it?

T, who may or may not have important exchanges through IM and never a word spoken

What's the geekiest thing you did this week?

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Gotta have a fling

I am sitting here, minding my own business, writing like a, like a...fiend. I have a lot of writing to catch up on, and am mostly done. I reward myself with a fling, a candy bar that m&m Mars makes, that is like..well, not quite, but almost as good as sex. If sex was a finger of chocolate layered around a cookie and some truffle cream.

My daughter, Miss I am 15 going on 30, walks in. She is just visiting and I am half-listening when she grabs the wrapper, and notices who makes the candy bar. Now, I am in trouble. My daughter is, if not an animal rights' activist, certainly someone who thinks carefully about her choices. Last year, she took Biology, but didn't dissect anything. She did her entire lab assignments via virtual dissection. And ended up with an A. She is currently boycotting this candy company due to animal testing.

JBug: Ugh. You're eating that?
Me: Yup. Yummmy.
JBug: Some little mouse died so that you could have chocolate!
Me: That was nice of him.
JBug: ::eyeroll::: I meant, you are killing mice with that chocolate.
Me: Now chocolate is a weapon?? Must not hurt much. I mean, it gets so soft and squishy so quickly...

I win. She shakes her head, makes an exasperated noise, because honestly mothers can be so dense? and stalks out of my room.

Leaving me, to my chocolate. In peace. Now, who's the smart one?

T, who says don't come between a momma and her chocolate

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RIP John Hughes, your legacy lives on with my kids

Ferris Bueller. Claire, Brian, Allison, Andrew, Bender. Gary, Wyatt and Chet. Samantha Baker & Jake Ryan. Andie, Duckie, Blaine (that's not a name! That's a...major appliance!) & Steff. These names were engraved upon my psyche, at the Northridge Cinema in Central California as a teenager. I remember trying to avoid the well-meaning octopus who would try to cop a feel at the theatre, because, after all, he paid for the movie and the popcorn. And ok, sometimes it wasn't really a feel per se, as much as a... snuggle. Such was high school. And such was the feel of those movies. I grew up in the shadow of genius.

I was entertained on those nights by an amazing man and visionary by the name of John Hughes. He wrote the movies for my generation: The Breakfast Club. Sixteen Candles. Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Pretty in Pink. Weird Science (I admit it, I wanted to BE Kelly LeBrock!) Movies that meant something to me. I can quote many lines, by heart.

It is so sad to lose John Hughes...so young, at 59. His movies and the music in them wrote the soundtrack to my life. And possibly yours. John Hughes has been mostly reclusive and out of the public eye for some years now..but he was not forgotten. I always hoped he would do something else, and Drillbit Taylor was not it. I hoped he would still speak for my generation, maybe a movie about social media, blogging? Alas, it was not to be.

First Michael Jackson. Now John Hughes. The 80's? She is over. I am no longer preoccupied with 1985, sorry, Bowling For Soup. We are moving on. With a heavy heart, to be sure. But, we are still moving on.

And now? I pull out all of my best John Hughes flicks and show my 15 year old what real movie making was. I only hope she enjoys them as much as I did at her age.

T, who is saddened that we lost a visionary too early and too young

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What? This is How All 15 Year Olds Talk...Right??

Image via Wikipedia

My oldest daughter channels Sheldon, from Big Bang Theory. (pretty sure I have mentioned this...) She is at her happiest using 14 words when 3 would suffice. Suppose she got my genes, as we all know how I tend to rattle on (and on, and on). Yes, it's true, I am in desperate need of an editor some days.

Also, in keeping with the geek flava in this household, many conversations occur over the computer. J will tweet at me, and I to him. And JBug will IM us both, as we all sit in the same room at our computers. (yes, we also talk, shuddap) but sometimes it is just easier to IM.

See? Talk about needing that editor... it just took me two paragraphs to post a lousy IM, and now this post is longer than the entire conversational exchange between JBug and me. Ah well, so I already messed that up, here it is in any case, for your be amusement.

*for those who don't know, she was asking for a rabbit (lagomorph) shaped Easter marshmallow.. it's ok, it takes a while to learn JBug-speak

T, who must have my brain on, 24/7 and think fast

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What Asperger's Is Like From The Kids Who Have It

I don't usually post more than once a day, but my friend califmom found this and I HAD to share it with you. What having Asperger's is like, from the kids themselves who have it. AMAZING video.

The embedding is iffy, so if you can't see this, PLEASE go watch it here: What Asperger's Is Like

T, who watched with her teen

The Dirty "A" Word: What No One Wants to Talk About

Let's talk about anxiety. I have dealt with it all my life. Anxiety is a bodily response to stress. Through self-talk (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) I have learned to talk myself down from catastrophizing and have the anxiety at manageable levels, most of the time. I know that the fear in anxiety is pretty much a lie your brain tells to get you worked up. So I know how to deal with it. But, anxiety is systemic, and it gets passed around in a family system. It also runs in families. My oldest daughter suffers from anxiety much worse than I ever did.

Over the years, we have figured out some things that work for us, and believe me, we have been through a lot of trial and error in dealing with it. We have a great therapist, and that is always my first suggestion. An anxious child is very hard to treat on your own. Anxiety is sneaky. It might seem addressed, but it can crop up in other ways. It manifests sideways and can sometimes be difficult to trace.

One of the ways it shows up with my daughter is in novel situations. She has a negative first reaction to everything, it has become a joke in our family. I know she will react adversely to every new situation, that's just the way it is. And the few times it hasn't happened, I have been pleasantly surprised. Over the years we have found some things that work for us.

What We Do For Anxiety:

1. We create "signposts" to point to success. I set her up to succeed, by reminding her of times when things worked. This approach comes from the Hebrews, who set up little monuments whenever God did something of import, so they could remember. Her signposts are similar experiences that have worked out for her.

For instance, she had to wear a pair of gold sandals for a play she was involved in. She hated those sandals: hated how ornate they were, hated how they felt... by the time the play was over, she loved them. I also point out to how well she has done in past endeavors, like classes, youth group, and whatever else comes up. Reminding her of these are little celebrations that increase her confidence.
2. I require her to try everything for at least 3 weeks. Why? Because with a negative first reaction, she wants to quit as soon as she hits a snag. She is a perfectionist and is constantly worried that she won't be "good enough." Her new Biology class was a problem at first, as she was trying to figure out what would be required. At what point she said she would have to drop. I reminded her on the commitment to stay with it. Turned out, not only could she handle it, the class was enjoyable and fairly easy for her as well. I don't know what I would do if after 3 weeks she wanted to stop an activity, but it hasn't happened yet, so I haven't had to worry.

3. Deep breathing, relaxation techniques. When you grow anxious, your blood pressure rises. You begin to breathe shallowly. Your heart starts to pound, as your fight or flight reaction is triggered. Your body dumps adrenalin in preparation of a quick flight. The adrenalin high is short-lived, and as it fades, stomach upset, shakiness and headache can occur. Anxiety can be a nasty thing. If you can catch it before it balloons, often you can pull yourself back down before it causes major problems.

4. Self-talk is important. Many who suffer from anxiety "catastrophize" which means they imagine the absolute worst, without defining it or thinking it through. The way to deal with this is to hit it square on. WHAT will happen? And then what? And then? And then? You quickly find out that what you fear is not the end all and be all of life. In fact, in the scheme of things, it is probably pretty small.

Today my daughter was a few minutes late for class. She started to have a panic attack as she imagined getting a "demerit" which is the threat the program uses for discipline. After some deep breathing she was better, but She kept saying, "I am going to be late, I will get a demerit!" And I simply said: "Oh? What will happen then?" She said, "I don't know!" And I said, "Will they throw you out of the program for being 5 minutes late?" She thought for a moment: "No, probably not..." Right. She put it in perspective and was still upset, but it wasn't the end of the world.

5. She has some social phobia, and is a red-line introvert. She is learning to work around it, by having scripts for conversations. She still has a hard time approaching a group uninvited, even if she has known the kids involved for years. She is getting better. She doesn't like to look foolish, so she resists games.

She keeps a schedule, because she likes to know what is happening. This has gone a long way towards alleviating her anxiety. If she knows what is coming, she feels better.

Don't think that her similarities to my other children are lost upon me- they aren't. But the good news is, she has figured out for the most part, how to work around her fears. She still lets them hold her back some, but as she matures, it happens less and less. And, we recognize the triggers sooner, and she compensates quicker.

The bottom line? She will probably never be completely anxiety-free. I am not. I don't let my feelings take over, though. There is no reason to think she too won't learn to live with her fears in a way that is both healthy and allows her to grow as a person. Anxiety isn't a death sentence. It doesn't always require medication. Cognitive Behavior Therapy makes a huge difference in its management. Sometimes you can treat it yourself, but never be afraid to seek help. My daughter has an awesome psychologist, whom she loves. He has gone a long way in helping her grow and become more self-aware.

If you or someone you love deals with anxiety, don't make the mistake thinking it will go away. Deal with it, head on. You will be happier in the long run. Once social phobias are entrenched, the habits become harder to dislodge.

Your question of the day:

How do you handle your day-to-day stress?

T, who says anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of

Technorati: anxiety, social_phobia, anxiety_solutions

Now I Can Get That Boob Job

This book is preparing to be released next month. And we wonder why girls' self-esteem is in the toilet? If mommy ain't happy with herself, how can she expect her daughter to be happy with what she is? It was written by a plastic surgeon to help parents explain why mother's face and body have changed drastically and why the child should nor fear that body snatchers have come in the night, replacing Mommy with a Desperate Housewife. This trend scares me. Why can't we all just age, if not gracefully, at least, with aplomb?

T, who thinks wrinkles give her Character

Technorati: feminism, family,